Clinic Run In
by Oopshi876
Summary: Bella is just trying to get through college, all she wants to do is hang out with her best friends, and stay out of the infirmary, and avoid her past. Edward doesn't see any girls, he doesn't notice them, he's used to it now, and when he suddenly calls a girl gorgeous without even knowing it everyone is surprised./ All human, normal pairings
1. Chapter 1

**Hello. If someone reads this, I hope you enjoy.** **I would really enjoy reviews as I already think I suck. Anyway, I love Twilight more then I love myself, I am obsessed with the books which is why I restored to FanFiction after finishing the series. I've never been satisfied with the ending.**

 **I also know that FanFiction isn't a big thing anymore, at least not for anyone around me.**

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I listened to my feet hit the pavement as I walked. The sidewalks were cracked, of course causing me to slip every couple of steps. People around me didn't even bother to look at me when I tripped anymore, it was a small campus and everyone knew that me tripping was like blinking, constant, uncontrollable.

My head was still pounding after hitting it on the corner of my counter. As a clumsy person I had already dropped my plate, and I was crouching on the ground sweeping up the glass when my counter decided to attack me.

And now I was headed to the infirmary on campus, for the 4th time this week. A personal record. I'm sure the nurse would be ecstatic to see me. She probably missed me in the 18 hours I hadn't been there. I certainly missed her.

I stared at the ground, trying to avoid the other bodies, most of them running late for class as it was Monday morning and everyone was still hungover from the big party they were at last night, the parties I did my best to stay away from. Of course, I didn't have any classes until noon. Plenty of time to do my daily check with our dearest nurse.

Other people that were just walking to the dining room were talking, and to me, they were practically shouting. I heard some girls talking about the parties last night next to me. I didn't understand the fascination with the recent couple, and who slept with who. What was the point of talking about the drama that didn't involve you? I understand being curious, but why talking about it with someone who wasn't involved? Why did they gossip if they knew that some of it probably wasn't true?

I shook my head, speeding my pace ever so slightly, hopefully, I wouldn't fall again. I could already see myself in the infirmary, everyone talking about Bella, the girl who suffered massive brain damage because her feet liked to fall behind. Such a klutz.

As I neared the big building my head continued to pound. I was used to it now, and the throbbing didn't really disturb me, it would be nice gone, but I could live with it.

I opened the front doors, smelling the lemon glass cleaner the janitors used on the windows. It was the same smell every time I walked in. I wondered how many times the windows were cleaned a week, it seemed the smell got stronger every time I walked in.

I walked past the first 2 doors, I could probably walk around this building with my eyes closed and still be able to make it to the infirmary's door. Of course, it was like a second home to me.

I walked slowly hoping I could go back to sleep and forget about all the time I spent in this one room.

When I walked in, Lizzy (yes we were on a first name basis) threw me a dreary smile, we'd both been hoping I could make it to Tuesday before seeing her again. But I also knew I didn't have such good luck.

"Miss Bella. I knew I'd been seeing you here soon." She said, focusing her attention back to the paper in front of her. Because I had been in here almost every day this year she'd given me special access to all the cabinets. They held all the medicine, and Lizzy was tired of getting up to get me Advil after every one of my accidents, so she'd just throw me the keys and say "get yourself some magic stuff". It was a regular routine now. Everyday thing.

She then turned around, not looking at me, but at a guy laying on the cot next to a cabinet. It wasn't unusual that someone else was in here this morning, most Mondays the place was flooding with big children who had hangovers and didn't have any Advil. They all came here even if they were underage, Lizzy was 26 and nobody expected her to report for underage drinking.

Though this one seemed different, I hadn't seen who it was, but usually, Lizzy just ignored them after giving them some medication. I could tell this time she was checking up on someone again.

I turned to look at the newest member of the "Monday morning madness", and was shocked at what I saw.

He was breathtaking. He wore blue jeans, that fit perfectly, his t-shirt was loose with a caption that I couldn't see on it. His brown hair was beautiful, it had streaks of red and a lighter brown in it, almost like a bronze, it wasn't smooth down, it wasn't a tamed mane. His eyes were closed, and his chest lifted up and down gently, so I knew he must be sleeping. Everything about him screamed gorgeous to me. I didn't think I had ever seen someone so beautiful, man or woman. I couldn't believe my eyes.

Lizzy walked over to him, her expression cautious like she didn't really want to wake him, but she had to.

I immediately wondered what was wrong, someone so beautiful couldn't be as clumsy as me. And he didn't look sick. I wanted him to be okay, he didn't deserve to be in pain.

As Lizzy touched his shoulder, he immediately flinched, he shot straight up as if something had bitten his back. His face looked surprised, but there was also a hint of amusement like something was unbearably funny.

He wasn't looking at me, but I still noticed his amazing beauty. His face looked even more mouthwatering as he woke up, I could now see that his eyes were a gorgeous green, they were like a dark forest green by the rims, but the increasingly got brighter, turning into a bright emerald around his pupils. He was amazing, and I didn't even know his name.

"Mr. Cullen? Can you hear me?" Lizzy asked in a soft voice I was used to hearing her use with the students, everyone except for me because I was a best friend now and I didn't deserve special treatment.

The boy looked at her. And he giggled. His noise sent shocks down my body, he had a beautiful voice, it was smooth like velvet, I could tell even from his laugh.

Lizzy looked shocked, I guess it was weird that he had laughed at her, she hadn't said anything remotely funny, I prayed that he wasn't just crazy. No one that handsome could be crazy right? I sure hoped so.

"Son, I think you should lay back down," Lizzy said, pushing on his chest ever so lightly, he fell back against the cot, his head slamming into the pillow. "Bella don't mind us. Get whatever you need." She said to me, nodding at the keys to the medicine on her desk.

I suddenly was brought back into the real world, I'd been so busy thinking about this beautiful man before me that I didn't notice I was just staring at him, my only hope was that I wasn't drooling.

I walked over to the cabinet closest to the boy, the one cabinet that held my Advil, my boots were loud against the tile floor. I was avoiding his eyes, they were the most beautiful eyes I'd ever seen. I knew that if I looked at them again I would surely do something stupid.

Anything to keep me from fainting.

I quickly grabbed the bottle of tiny orange pills. Even though I knew I should only take 2, I looked at the back of the bottle making sure that the directions hadn't changed in the last 3 days. Luckily they hadn't.

I also knew that I was keeping myself in the infirmary longer, just so I could get one more glance at the beautiful boy. I wanted to know his name. I needed to know if he was okay. And I also needed to keep myself under control, or I was going to end up jumping him right there in front of Lizzy, I wasn't sure if she would yell at me for that, but I knew I would feel uncomfortable.

Very quietly as if not to disturb him- I placed 2 pills in my hand and swallowed them without water, I'd learned to do that as a 12-year-old, it was more convenient when you fell in the middle of the street.

I heard a light snoring beside me. He was laying there sleeping again, and he still looked amazing. His snore wasn't obnoxious, it was a cute snore, I could already imagine waking up to it in the morning, and falling asleep to it at night. I wanted it. Badly.

Geez Bella, get yourself under control. You don't know his name.

While I was talking to myself 2 things happened. Lizzy woke him up, trying to convince him to drink some water. This made me question if he actually did have a hangover, water always helped some after you were drunk.

And as if he didn't hear her, he shot up, looking directly at me. His face was slightly flushed, probably because he was hot and sweaty. His eyes burned into mine, probably causing me to burst into flames- I wouldn't notice. His lips were parted slightly, and he got a look of enjoyment on his face- it made him look more like a 5-year-old boy opening his present on Christmas.

Before I could think about anything else, his smooth velvet voice cut into my thoughts, as he almost shouted,

"Hey, pretty girl, did you know you're gorgeous?" He said, his eyes still burning mine. He pointed at me, and then fell into a fit of giggles.

I felt my face heat up as I blushed. Some random boy I just saw now for the first time had called me pretty, which meant nothing, I was dull compared to his breathtaking beauty.

As he continued to laugh, I felt the need to laugh too. I was probably in shock, it wasn't every day you had some guy calling you pretty. In fact, for me, it had never happened before.

"Edward, it's rude to call girls pretty when you won't remember them in a couple of hours," Lizzy said, suddenly ruining my shock.

Why wouldn't he remember me in a couple of hours? Was he drunk? Did he just get back from a party now? I didn't know what was going on and it frustrated me.

I also noted that his name was Edward. It suited him, it was a gorgeous name. It was old fashioned, but frankly, I couldn't care less, I was just excited that I finally knew what to call him.

I must have given Lizzy a confused look somewhere in between my thinking because she suddenly felt the need to clarify what she said before.

"Ah sorry Bella, see my friend Edward here, well he ate some Brownies last night..and let's just say they weren't normal brownies. And now Edward is going crazy, but hopefully will be back to himself soon, though I don't know what he'll remember from this experience." Lizzy looked at me and mouthed "high" and suddenly I understood what she meant by "not normal brownies.".

They were pot brownies.

Pot brownies had recentally become the big thing. Everyone wanted some at their parties, even if they weren't going to eat them. I knew that they were strong, and took hours to recover from.

It made sense to me that this Edward would accidentally eat pot brownies thinking they were normal. And if I was being honest I would probably do the same thing. No judgement.

"Sorry, pretty girl." Edward suddenly said, his eyes pleading for my forgiveness. He probably thought I was offended by being called pretty and gorgeous if only he knew that it was actually the other way around.

I nodded, and he was still staring at me intensely, I could feel his green eyes staring even as I turned away, he didn't know what my nod meant. And I didn't want to speak, for all I knew my voice would start cracking at the sight of his beauty.

"Uh. Its okay," I said my voice staying almost completely steady, I noticed it, but I doubted anyone else would.

And then as if I hadnt been hurt enough in the past hour, I turned around and my head slammed into the cabinet almost hitting my eye. I could feel the thudding get louder, and my forhead was burning.

I looked back once, and the last thing I saw was Edward's green eyes, then I blacked out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Not gonna lie, I was surprised that anyone liked the beginning. I hope you enjoy and keep reading. If you want me to continue, I'm going to switch off point of views every chapter, but I have to start this chapter a little farther back then the last chapter, because..well you'll see. Review. I also like suggestions**

 **Sadly... I do not own the characters. Stephenie Meyer owns them, and my heart.**

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EPOV:

Emmett was going on and on about some party. Another party which would end in disaster. Another party I didn't want to be involved in.

I was going to go though, I hated that Emmett felt the need to drag me out of the house, I would go just so he didn't worry, he didn't deserve to feel pity for me.

I would have a couple of beers, sit on a couch, and watch the world blur around me. Simple. Same as every party.

"And man do I have a girl for you!" He said pointing at me. He sounded like Santa Claus giving a 5-year-old a new bike. Except this 5-year-old didn't want the bike, he wanted some peace and quiet. "Eddie, this girl is fucking hot. I know you've said that all the other girls don't interest you, but if you don't find this girl somewhat attractive I'm going to start setting you up with dudes.". Playing the gay card. Again.

"Edward, Emmett. It's Edward. And I'm not gay, we've been over this." I said staring at him, pleading he wouldn't get into this again with me. I didn't feel like fighting about my sexuality or talking about all the "fucking hot" girls that didn't interest me.

"And I told you, those girls were very pretty, none of them were interesting though," I said then. I'd tried to tell him, I just didn't want a girlfriend or even a one night stand. What was the point if I would break it off before it could start?

I went to the fridge to grab a soda, I didn't feel like being interrogated by Emmett.

It wasn't like I'd never had a girlfriend, I just didn't want some girl that would use me. And there was also the fact that none of those girls were special. They were all just plain. Beautiful sure, but plain. They didn't have a heart of gold. Some of them didn't have a brain. I wanted a girl with a good spirit, someone who would care about me, not the guy I looked like.

But of course. That never happened.

So here I stood, alone, barely any friends, and drowning in my misery.

What a great life it is.

I didn't realize I'd been standing by the fridge for at least 2 minutes. Emmett surely thought I was crazy, maybe he'd abandon me too?

"Eddie? Are you jerking off or something over there?" He asked, probably with a giant smirk on his face. Always the jokester.

"Why yes Emmett, I'm such a daredevil that I'm masturbating over here, in front of the fridge," I said, turning back to him, and handing the freezing Moutain Dew to him. Already sipping on the sprite I'd gotten for myself.

He cracked it open and took a sip. "Sorry Ed, I've gotta get going. Gotta get ready for all the smoking hotties tonight. You be ready in an hour. Jaz is meeting us there." He eyed me, staring me down. I knew he wanted me to agree to go. I really wanted to tell him to back off. I wouldn't though. He was a good brother. He cared.

"Sure man. I'll be ready." I told him, trying to be as sincere as possible.

He then brought the soda back to his mouth and chugged it in 0.5 seconds. Handing it back to me, he did his manly skip out the door.

I had to get ready for the party.

* * *

We were all driving in Emmett's jeep. It smelled, but he loved it almost as much as he loved sex.

I was already thinking of ways to get myself out of there before. I could probably fake being so drunk I didn't know my own name, but that seemed like a lame excuse, especially if I was going to ruin Emmett and Jasper's fun. I didn't know any other reason why I would need to leave all the sudden. I didn't want to lie about something serious, like a family emergency.

And before I could come up with a reasonable excuse, we were at the frat party. And I was being greeted by all the members.

I didn't pay attention, I nodded at a couple of people who said my name, but other than that I tried to ignore human interaction.

"Hey, dude." I heard from behind me, already recognizing the voice. It was Tyler Crowley, he wasn't a jerk, and if anything he was a good acquaintance. I'd rather talk to him, then any of the girls that were 'pining' for me.

"Hey Tyler", I said turning around to face him. His dark curly hair wasn't poofing out like always, he wore simple clothes, jeans and a t-shirt, I liked that he didn't try to impress all the girls too much. It was a relief from all the guys that did.

"You wanna drink? We got beer?" He said, he was already 21, and he knew that technically I was too young for alcohol, but frankly, he didn't care.

We walked over to the drinks table, I was already feeling claustrophobic, we were crowded by all the already drunk kids. It was a great party.

Tyler and I grabbed our beers and got away from there as quick as possible. Tyler didn't like parties too much either, but he liked the one-night stands, so he came, and left with a new girl.

We talked for a while, he lead the conversation, and I listened. It was nice to talk about something other than the fact that I didn't do anything but study, and I needed a girlfriend. Tyler understood that I didn't want to talk about me being lonely. And he also knew that I wasn't really looking for a relationship, he understood that. Though he was wrong.

So we sat, drank our beers, and did our best to not attract any unwanted attention. Of course, Tyler was hoping a girl would come over and ask him to dance. I was hoping to be invisible.

Soon enough, Tyler's wish was granted. A pretty young girl came over in a short pink dress, showing her cleavage, not leaving anything to the imagination. She asked him to dance. I knew he would accept, I wasn't going to hold him back. So he went and I watched her shake her ass against his crotch. I stopped looking after that.

I instead stared around, hoping that I would see a beautiful girl, a girl that would catch my attention. But this was a college party, a girl my type wouldn't be here.

That didn't stop the other girls from coming on to me. One of the things I enjoyed about Tyler being around was the fact that the girls stayed away from me with him there. But when he left they came over, trying to get me in bed with them.

I watched them stick their chests out, walking over to me in what they thought was a sexy way and asking me to dance, composing their face to make it look sexy. I didn't like any of them.

I said no politely. I wasn't going to be rude to a girl just because they didn't appeal to me.

There was one girl I couldn't ignore though, she stood out, and not in a good way. She practically jumped me before asking to dance. It frightened me actually. She felt familiar to me, I didn't know who she was, but I knew her.

She wouldn't let me turn her down, and I hadn't even said a word yet. I really just wanted to run away.

"Come on Edward, you should come back to my dorm." She said in a sexy voice. And suddenly I recognized her, it was Jessica Stanley. Her dark curly hair flipped back as she tried again to look sexy. She'd asked me out on several occasions, I said no everytime, but apparently, she didn't get the hint. I should just send her a hate letter, maybe she'd get it then.

I looked at her, putting as much venom in my voice as possible, I really wanted her to get the point.

"Jessica thanks, but no thanks." She looked at me, and for a minute I saw realization in her eyes, but then it was back to lust almost immediately.

"Edward...I know you want to." She said, pushing my shoulder down on the couch. I really wanted to hit her at that moment, but I wouldn't. My Mom would kill me.

Suddenly I stood up, "I've gotta get myself one of those brownies." I said pointing at the snacks table. I just wanted an escape.

I was practically running to the deserts table, trying to get as far away from Jessica as possible. I didn't really want a brownie, it was just an excuse, but I knew Jessica was still watching, and I needed to eat one.

I quickly picked the small brown square up, bringing it to my mouth, I sniffed it, and it smelt weird like there was an extra ingredient, but I bit into it anyway, it still smelt good, just different.

I finally left the table, after eating about 3 brownies, they were amazing, and I barely ever ate anything sweet. Had to keep up appearances.

I walked around the house, doing anything I could to avoid Jessica. I was hoping to possibly find Emmett and Jasper, so I could tell them I desperately needed to leave. But I didn't have very much luck. They were probably both up in one of the rooms anyway.

I still moved around though. Watching the guys eyeing the girls, probably only looking at their butts. I hated guys like that, look into their eyes.

The girls were being just as bad though, they were all clearly trying to get someones attention with the way they were dancing. Not a part of them was staying still. It was kind of disgusting to watch, but apparently, everyone else was enjoying the show.

I looked for anyone that would be worth talking to. Maybe I would be less bored. I just wanted to go. Luckily I didn't see Jessica anywhere.

After about an hour of walking in circles, I felt my mood shift. Everything seemed brighter. Everything seemed to scream at me.

I suddenly felt the need to dance. I wanted to jump off a couple of bridges, screaming for joy. It was a weird reaction, but I was too excited to care. I wanted to skip everywhere.

Then I saw Tyler, and I needed to tell him how cool he was. I didn't see any girls around him. So it was the perfect time to talk to him.

"Tyyyler!" I said unaware of how loud I shouted his name. He turned towards me, confusion laid across his face.

"Hi, Edward. What's going on?" He said his voice filled with concern, but I didn't care.

"I wanted to say your suuper cool. You've got like personality, ya know?" I kept rambling on, talking about how amazing he was. I probably sounded gay but I didn't care.

"Okay man. I'm going to go find Emmett, I'm pretty sure you're drunk." He said patting my shoulder and making me sit down on the couch. I didn't want to sit though, it was too hard to stay still.

So I got up and I went back to the snacks table, I was craving some of those brownies. Those delicious brownies.

As I slowly walked over there, my feet wouldn't move fast enough, and even though everything seemed so fast I knew I was moving slow. It was cool, like special move effects. I took 2 more brownies, eating them as I walked back to the couch.

I saw Emmett looking at me weird, was he checking me out? I knew I wasn't repulsive, but I also knew that Emmett was way into girls, unless he was super in the closet? That'd be weird, he was my brother after all. I'd have to tell him it'd never work out.

He came over, and put his arm around my waist, thinking I couldn't walk. Didn't he know that I could probably run faster than a cheetah right now? I didn't need his help.

Before I could notice what was going on, Emmett and Jasper were shoving me into the car, I didn't want to go though. This party was so much fun. But they wouldn't let me go back inside, they wanted to take me home. I didn't want to fight with them. Maybe they were going to order pizza? That'd be really good. I suddenly felt very lucky that I had such amazing friends, and I needed to tell them.

"You guys are the best friends a friend could ask for. Seriously. I don't know why you're even here. You guys are to cool for this." I said giving them both a punch in the shoulder.

"Okay, Eddie. How many beers did you have? I've never seen you like this, even when you are drunk." Jasper said, giving Emmett a look I couldn't understand. Why were they acting so weird? I just wanted them to know how cool they were. Why was that so bad?

I laid my head back against my seat staring at the ceiling. It seemed to have shapes flying across it. I wondered if Emmett had gotten some new projector to make the shapes. I wanted one.

As I watched the shapes, I didn't realize how fast the car was going, and we were already in my apartment.

"Let's go, Eddie. You need to get inside." One of them said, dragging me back out of the car.

And then I couldn't see anything. It was like I'd gone blind. I heard the cars passing us. I could feel strong arms holding me up. And I could help but feel scared, I didn't want to be blind. I needed to see. I heard ear breaking scream, passing out before I could realize it was mine.

* * *

I woke up staring at the white ceiling. I smelt lemons. I really wanted lemonade.

"I don't know what happened to him. We were at this party, and I think he drank too much. He is acting really weird, even if he is drunk. We were outside his apartment and he just started screaming. It was like someone was stabbing him. I don't know what happened." I heard a bulky voice say. I didn't know where I was. But I didn't know that the voice was talking about me. Why?

"What's going on?" I said sitting up. I was laying on something hard, it wasn't my bed. I didn't like it.

I looked around, taking in a girl with black hair looking at me. She was pitying me. I didn't like it. I didn't need to be pitied.

"Hi, hon. You're in the infirmary. Don't worry. I need to ask you a few questions. Is that okay?" The girl asked she had a soft voice, like a blanket. I want a blanket, its cold.

I nodded my head, answering her question. I like to answer questions.

"Okay Edward, how much alcohol did you drink tonight?" She asked me

"One beer," I said nodding my head. I was right, it was only one beer.

Emmett suddenly cleared his throat, whispering something to the girl that I couldn't understand. He walked out of the room, still looking worried. Maybe I need surgery? He would be worried if I did.

"Edward, did you eat anything tonight?" the girl asked. I thought about it, I didn't have dinner because I wasn't hungry. I still wasn't hungry. Then something hit me.

"I ate 5 brownies at a party," I said smiling at the memory of how delicious they were.

"Ahhh. I see." She said. Looking at me again. She turned around and wrote something. And got up and handed me some water. "You should get some sleep. We'll see how you feel in the morning." She said.

* * *

I woke up, hearing the girl talk to someone.

I didn't want to wake up. My head hurt and I wanted the girl to go away, and whoever she was talking to leave also.

I had to get up though.

I shot straight up, my body feeling tense, but I still felt happy. Just tired.

The girl looked at me. And so did someone else. I could feel their eyes on me. I didn't want to look at them though. That would talk too much work.

"Mr. Cullen, can you hear me?" the girl was talking to me, Mr. Cullen was my name. She asked me a question.

It was a silly question, of course, I could hear her, she knew I wasn't deaf, why would she ask that? So funny. Then I started laughing, it was really funny. Why would she be so silly? And after I started, I couldn't seem to stop laughing. I could still feel both their eyes on me. That just got me laughing harder.

"Son I think you need to lay back down." the girl said, pushing on me with an incredible force, I didn't know that someone could be that strong. It was weird.

The girl talked to someone else then. I didn't care, I felt so tired, it was like something was forcing my eyes shut. I couldn't just ignore it, so I listened to it, and closed my eyes, immediately falling asleep.

I was dreaming already, of what I wasn't sure, but then the girl was waking me up, trying to get me to swallow something disgusting, that probably tasted like paint. And I refused to try it. I pretend I didn't hear her, suddenly curious about the other person in the room. I needed to look at them.

And I was almost struck blind at what I saw. It was another girl in the room. She was shining, her waist-length hair blocked her eyes, but I could see she was looking at me, and I could also see the beautiful eyes that were staring. They were such a simple color, brown, but they held something within them, something that made them so bright I couldn't help but look at them. I looked at her face again, mesmerized by her beauty, her plump lips were pink, and they looked soft, I wanted to know if I was right. Her hair shaped her face making her look even more beautiful. Her skin didn't have any color, it was almost white, I'd never seen anyone as pale as her. I could believe she was in front of my eyes. Her cheeks had a light pink to them as if she'd been blushing recently, that made them so much more appealing. She was beautiful- gorgeous- stunning.

And I needed her to know what I thought about her. Everything was so weird, but I knew I needed to shout out to the world how beautiful she was.

"Hey pretty girl," I started impressed by how smooth I sounded, "did you know you're gorgeous." I was glad to get the words out. Hopefully, they would make her happy, I wanted to see her smile. I pointed at her, wanting to make sure she knew I was talking about her. And then her eyes went wide, and I started laughing, it was funny how surprised she seemed.

I saw her blush at my words, and she got even more stunning. I continued to laugh, excited that I got a blush out of her.

And then the other girl broke my happiness. "Edward, it's rude to call girls pretty when you won't remember then in a couple of hours."

The beautiful girl scrunched her eyebrows together confused by the ladies words, I wanted to smooth the lines away. She didn't need to be confused.

But the lady that spoke saved me from having to talk,

"Ah sorry Bella, see my friend Edward here, well he ate some brownies last night...and let's just say they weren't normal brownies. And now Edward is going crazy, but hopefully will be back to himself soon, though I don't know what he'll remember from this experience."

Bella. Beautiful. Her name described her perfectly. I was glad I knew what to call her.

But I was also confused by the other girl's words, I was going crazy? I wasn't going to remember beautiful Bella? How could I forget her?

Bella looked sad. I didn't want her to be sad. I just wanted to see her smile, that's why I told her she was gorgeous. Why was she sad?

"Sorry, pretty girl," I said to her, I didn't want her to be mad at me either. I wanted to see her smile, reassure me it was okay. She nodded her head, but I didn't understand what that meant? I needed to know if it was okay?

Sensing my confusion she finally spoke

"Uh. Its okay,' she said her voice like music. I noticed it wasn't steady the entire time she spoke, was she nervous? I didn't care her voice was the most beautiful sound I'd heard.

She turned around then, looking away from me, but banging her head into the cabinet next to her. She turned back around, her brown eyes looking for something, and then I couldn't see them, and she fell to the floor.

I was scared for her. What was wrong? Was she going to hit the floor? What if she hurt her head?

And before I could think about it, I was catching her, making sure her back didn't hit the floor. I laid her down carefully. Did she need CPR? I certainly wouldn't mind giving her mouth to mouth.

But the girl came over to me and lifted Bella's wrist. I looked up, seeing stars, everything was so weird. I just wanted it all to go away. I wanted to talk to Bella again.

I suddenly remember the other girl saying I wouldn't remember Bella, and that scared me. I needed to remember her. She was so beautiful. I needed to hear her voice again.

"Why don't you lay back down Edward, I think Bella here might have a concussion." the girl said.

Bella had a concussion? Did she hit her head on the cabinet that hard? She must be in so much pain.

I wanted Bella to wake up and tell us she was fine, I wanted her to smile. I wanted to see her shining brown eyes again. I missed them and I'd only seen them twice.

"Edward, go lay down. I'm just going to let Bella rest for now." the girl said again, smiling at me like she knew some inside joke I didnt.

I didn't want to sleep, but if Bella was going to dream I wanted to be there with her.

I still saw the stars, and I still felt extremely happy. But my body was tired, and everything was more clear.

So we both llaydown. And i looked at her as I drifted off.

I dreamt of only brown eyes and pale pefully I would wake up to a beautiful Bella there with me.

* * *

 **Sorry I didn't continue any farther. I really needed to get Edwards explanation out. I'm also sorry that I'm not good at writng Edward being high, I dont know what its like. I hope you enjoyed. A new chapter soon.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Reviews? I'm needy. And currently dying. Annyway..hope you enjoy!**

* * *

 **BPOV:**

I woke up at a courter after 12. I was laying on a cot facing the wall. My back hurt. My neck was stiff. And I could still hear the pounding in my ears though this time it was more like banging.

Guess this means I'm still alive. At least that's something. Made it through another accident.

My mind was foggy, and because of my barely awake state, I couldn't remember what happened. I tried to focus, but still couldn't.

I tried to look around, but my body would barely move, I was complete stone. It felt like I was being held there by something big.

Forced to stay still, and lose my memory? On second thought maybe I am in hell? It made sense.

I tried to move once again, my limbs were proven useless, I hoped they were only gonna be on vacation for a couple more minutes.

I gave up trying to move.

I tried to think why I was here, memories suddenly flashing at me like a camera, I remembered hitting my head...coming here. And oh crap. Seeing the most beautiful man I've ever witnessed, and then I fainted? Was it because I was so overwhelmed by his beauty? Probably.

I tried to pick myself up again, and my body complied. I could feel the tense muscles in my back, my eyes felt as if they'd been glued down for at least 12 hours and I was just now opening them. My feet were cramped. And my head was practically jumping off of my neck. It hurt worse then it had before.

Then I remembered slamming my head into a cabinet, perfect Bella. Always slamming her head into things. Great. Fabulous.

At least I didn't faint in front of Edward. I probably wouldn't have come out of my apartment after that.

I looked up, my neck complaining. I was still in the infirmary, not the hospital. That would have been bad.

"Are you awake this time?" I heard a familiar voice say. Lizzy. Always ruining my deep thinking.

I looked at her, and my head felt worse because of the immense lights in front of me. I don't know why anyone would ever need such bright lights. Were they trying to make people blind?

"Yes Lizzy dear, I am awake," I said looking back at her.

Then I remembered the gorgeous man, looking at the other cot but only seeing the dull purple color of it. It disappointed me. Which was strange, considering I only shared 2 words with him. I wanted to know him, he didn't seem like someone who was full of himself, and he didn't necessarily look dumb. He looked perfect, and even if he was high he was still a gentleman, he was sweet.

"Looking for Mr. Sexy?" Lizzy said distracting me from my daydreaming. I looked back at her only to see a smirk on her face and her eyes full of amusement.

She was laughing at my obvious attraction to him. Though what straight girl wouldn't think he was gorgeous?

"His friends took him home about an hour ago after you fainted he fell back asleep and slept for about 2 hours, you were clearly still in a man-induced fog and didn't realize when I was trying to get you to wake up and hour ago. Honestly, I'm surprised you're even awake now." Lizzy said explaining why Edward wasn't there with me. And though it made sense, he needed to sleep at home, I was still sad that I didn't get the chance to interduce myself properly, he probably wouldn't even remember me.

I sighed, feeling a hole in my chest, I felt like falling down it, but I had a paper to write, and I was already missing class.

I forced myself to walk forward, my feet begging me to let them be. I didn't have anything here with me. And even though my head hurt, I knew I wasn't allowed to take anymore Advil for at least another 4 hours.

I felt hope slipping through my cracks, and I really just wanted to be home, in my bed, doing nothing but drowning in my misery. I didn't want to move anymore, but I knew Lizzy would be worried if I went back to sleep on the cot. And I knew that really I just wanted to be in the comfort of my house.

My wrists started pounding, the feeling caught up to me and my heart was beating quicker now, I was used to the feeling, but that didn't mean I enjoyed it. I only prayed it would last only a couple of minutes, hopefully, it wouldn't be there when I got back to my apartment.

"Bye, Lizzy. I'll see you next time I hit my head." I said giving her a smile, but I'm sure it came out more like a grimace, I didn't have the energy to care.

She gave a concerned look, but I could tell immediately she felt bad for it and she went back to her smirking state waving me away. I was glad to go.

Outside the light was worse. I could feel the sun burning my pale arms, threating to tan them, but I knew that wouldn't happen. I watched the kids move along the sidewalks, some of them lost in thought, others talking with each other, none of them looked like they were in a hurry. All of them looked at peace. I wondered how I looked to them?

I looked down as I walked. Earlier I wasn't afraid of all of them looking at me, staring, but now it felt as if someone had their eyes on my face I would explode. And I couldn't deal with that.

I stared at the cracks in the sidewalk, counting every 7 separately, trying to calm myself down. It felt as if at any moment I would scream, and I didn't want to do something drastic. As soon as the pounding in wrists started...I couldn't avoid thinking about them.

I made it to my apartment fast, I was probably running here without noticing. I ran up the stairs, loving the pain it brought into my chest.

I quickly threw open my door, hearing my 2 roommates bickering again. Always bickering.

"Rose you can't expect me to stay quiet about this!" The pixie hissed her voice still sounding fairy like.

"Alice. Be. Quiet." Rose said her eyes shooting daggers, there was no way Alice could ignore her words, "You promised.". Alice was quiet after that, knowing she couldn't break whatever promise she made to Rose.

"Hey," I said walking into the kitchen and getting myself some water. I didn't want them to think I was eavesdropping.

"Bella!" I heard Alice squeal like I hadn't seen her in 2 years, even though she woke me up at 7 to ask me a question.

"Hi, Alice. I'm going to go take a nap. Don't wake me up until at least 2 okay?" I said giving her a stern expression, she pouted but nodded her head, sulking away. Rose looked at me her lips in a tight line, but in her eyes, I could see she was trying to refrain from laughing.

I walked to my room, flinging myself on my turquoise silk comforter. I could feel the thoughts creeping into my head, I hadn't felt like this for at least a week.

The more I felt fine, the less that this happened, the worse I felt. It was like a bomb in my head, though it never exploded which only made it 100 times worse. Somedays I wished it would explode.

I felt my body collapsing, I knew it would be harder for me to move if I let myself shut down, even if it was only for a couple of minutes.

I could see myself breaking in front of me. I was tired, tired of being myself, tired of everything falling apart, tired of getting pity expression from everyone that looked at me. I hated it all, I wanted to erase myself most of the time, I wanted to disappear until I learned how to be okay again. I almost couldn't live through this anymore, but I knew I would keep trying. I had too.

I had Alice and Rose to think of.

My Mom and Dad would survive through it.

Lizzy would kill me.

I had other things I needed too.

I needed to find true love. Or some kind of love.

I needed a good job.

I needed so many more things in my life. I didn't want to miss out on them.

I went to the bathroom, my body barely letting me blink. I was overwhelmed, I felt as if I was ticking. I needed something to calm me down.

I ducked into my cabinet, already feeling the pain, and the pounding in my wrists.

* * *

 **I'm sorry its short. I've been going through a block recently, but I wanted to post something. Bella's a little...different then I planned for her to be. Any guesses on what's going on? Thanks for reading. I'll keep writing**


	4. Chapter 4

**Happy belated Thanksgiving, if you celebrate it, hope you had some good food. I'm trying to get at least 1 chapter out a week, though that's hard with school. I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

 **EPOV:**

I fell asleep watching an angel next to me, she was breathing slowly, and I could see her lips moving, though she never said anything. It was a great way to go to bed, though it would have been better if I was holding her. I could only dream.

My dreams had the same angel in them. Except she was my angel, and everyone knew it. She loved me. She knew I was all hers. It was perfect

That changed when I woke up, it was like a nightmare. The angel that I was so fond of wasn't with me. She was gone, and it felt as if I had only dreamed her, such a perfect creature couldn't exist in the real world. And so I was alone. And it seemed as if I had dreamed it all, I was back in my room, and everything was normal. No weird feelings, no amazing brownies, no stunning girls... it was all gone.

Not only that was bad, but Emmett came bursting through my door the second I opened my eyes, and though I felt fine and didn't have a hangover, his voice was like an air horn in my ear, and my head couldn't help but ring after hearing him.

I needed some answers. Why was I so affected by this dream? Was this dream real? Was my angel real? Why did I have an aching in my chest, that would only be fixed with the help of an angel, an angel that I might never get to see again? Why did I even care? Would anybody answer me? What was wrong with me?

Okay, that last one is easy to answer, everything.

My eyes felt like I'd been crying- or bawling my eyes out for hours. Though I didn't have any reason to cry. Even though I was almost 100% sure that I hadn't been crying, I still lifted a hand up to my cheek searching for anything out of the ordinary, maybe some dried tears, or even a hint of water, but there was nothing there, and I kept my reputation for not being a complete girl. Thankfully Emmett didn't get to see me cry.

I needed an explanation and a time machine. I would give anything to go back and see if it was all real, the party, the infirmary, the angel. And if it was real I would have paid so much more attention, to everything, the places, the people, including my angel, an angel, not mine.

I sighed, running my hands through my hair, pulling at the strands, it was painful, but then again it gave me some relief.

I knew I was probably never going to find out anything. If I couldn't remember anything, I doubt anyone else could, and I certainly wasn't going to ask the lady in the infirmary, for fear that it really was a dream. In reality, I didn't want to know if it was all fake.

Though I doubt my brain- no matter how creative- could come up with something as adventurous as that. And I'd never seen anyone so beautiful, so there was no way my brain could have made that up. Or at least that was what I was trying to convince myself. I didn't want it to all be gone.

"What's wrong little bro?" Emmett said from beside me, I had been trying my hardest to ignore him, but I couldn't anymore.

"Nothing Emmett." I snapped at him, shooting him with a glare. Any other day I would have felt bad for being this rude, even to Emmett, though today I didn't care, I just wanted him to get out. Why again did I even give him a key?

I sat back on my headboard, already feeling like giving up. I was going to drive myself crazy thinking about ways to find out the truth.

I watched as Emmett came and sat down beside me. I felt like ripping his face off and throwing it out the window, though I knew Esme wouldn't like that too much. So I refrained, and instead sat on my hands.

"So what's going on?" Emmett asked, his voice burning into me as a match would. I really wanted to throw him out the window now. Couldn't he take the hint? Did I have to tell him to get out? I thought older brothers were supposed to know exactly how you were feeling?

Emmett wasn't going to give up though. I knew that much. He cared. Or at least he tried to, I knew he'd been worried these past few months, in fact after being so empty, it was probably a surprise for me to be acting like this. He was probably overjoyed I was feeling something. Anything.

He would leave until I told him. I really didn't want to because no matter how much he tried he would probably laugh. He was a big goof, and couldn't control anything he did.

"Lots of things... first you need to tell me what happened last night?" I said sighing and leaning back against my bed. I was praying that he would tell me I just stayed in and slept while he and Jasper went out to a big party. Anything but that.

He looked at me, his eyes sparkling as girls would, they were exploding with emotion, and I could tell he was really excited.

"I can't believe you, Ed. I mean it been months since I saw you drink a beer... but getting high? I mean wow man." He said holding back guffaws.

I stared at him, feeling ecstatic, I mean it wasn't just a dream, I wasn't imaging it. It was real! I was ready to beg Emmett to tell me everything that happened- for I didn't remember most of it- but I knew that would just send him on a high and he would laugh some more. So I took control of my emotion and tried to calm down. I wasn't sure how much it would work...

"What happened last night? I don't remember much of it?" I said practically prying it out of his brain if only I were a mind reader.

"well... apparently you were running away from a bunch of girls, got into some brownies, which of course had pot in them, and I was told you ate at least 8 of them? I don't know... but you got spiked man. You were in outer space, so high. At that point Jasper and I didn't know what was wrong with you, so we brought you into the infirmary, and the lady there said you slept for a long time... But I don't know if that's all right or if its all made up, all I know is that you were acting like a dumbass. It was funny." Emmett was holding in giggles after his whole speech.

Though I wasn't paying attention to him, I was reflecting on everything I'd heard. It was all real. All of it. I still felt ecstatic, but now my heart was racing with anticipation of seeing that angel again. I was feeling so much better now that I knew that I hadn't made everything up.

My mood was suddenly on the floor when I realized that Emmett hadn't mentioned anything about a girl. Only "the lady" which I knew wasn't my angel. She was the nurse. I couldn't help the frown that formed on my face. I didn't know if she was real. And if she wasn't, I couldn't force her into existence.

"Emmett..?" I said hoping to avoid any embarrassment he could bring.

"yessss?" He said putting his hand under his chin and putting a smirk on his face. I wanted nothing more than to smack it off of him, but if I wanted answers I would have to keep playing the nice kind brother. So I just looked at him, giving him my best suck up face.

"What happened after that? How did I get back here?" I couldn't just straight out ask him if there was a breathtaking other girl in there with me. I had to work up to that, to at last save some of my dignity.

"Well, you woke up, and I can't believe you didn't wake up the other girl sleeping in there with all your complaining...I dragged you outta there before something bad happened, and brought you back here. And now we're both sitting in your bed and I'm explaining everything that happened. Unfortunately, I can't predict the future, and I don't know what's gonna happen next." Emmett went on and on, though I wasn't listening.

He said there was another girl, and she was sleeping next to me. And my angel was real! And I wanted to kick Emmett out and start thinking of ways to find out how to find her. I needed to find her, I didn't think I could breathe until I did. She was my new mission.

I got up, almost running to the bathroom so I could get ready. I wasn't sure what I was going to go, but I knew that I hadn't felt this excited for anything-maybe ever. I could barely hold myself together, I needed to jump around. I needed to get some energy, I was acting like a hyper 3-year-old.

Emmett watched me run around. He probably thought I was crazy. I probably was crazy. Though when I looked at him I couldn't help but feel even better than before, he was looking at me like I was just his brother, I wasn't the broken in need of help brother who needed his pity. And I was overjoyed that hopefully, all my family would look at me the same way as he was.

I ate breakfast, the warm eggs barely hitting my tongue before I swallowed them, it burned, and I didn't really taste anything, but I couldn't help but shovel them into my mouth even faster.

I practically forced Emmett out the door. I needed to come up with a plan. I needed something to do.

I paced around my living room, thinking.

I couldn't remember her name- hell I could barely remember her face- so I didn't have any way to look her up. I didn't know what classes she was taking. And I certainly couldn't ask the lady who helped me in the infirmary. I really didn't have any way to figure out who she was, or if she even knew that I existed. I couldn't remember if I'd said a word to her.

I walked around at massive speeds now. I couldn't get myself to slow down. My need for her was so big, I could barely contain it in my body. I felt like it was going to come bursting out of me any second.

I finally gave in to my bodies needs, and sat down at my desk, only thinking of other ways I could figure out who she was. I needed a clue, could I get a hint world? Could I do anything to help me out?

I ran a hand through my hair, pulling the strands once again. And I sighed. And I thought.

* * *

 **Sorry its short, again. Im going to make the next chapter longer, and there will be ExB interaction soon I promise. Sorry for dragging everything along..**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi, this is late. I'm sorry. Health issues. Enjoy.**

* * *

 **BPOV:**

It had been a week since I'd seen Edward. And I couldn't get him out of my mind. It was like he was carved into my heart, he was a scar, and it wouldn't heal wouldn't fade. I hated it. How do you feel so much for someone you've only seen once? I'm going crazy.

It wasn't as if I was going to stalk him. I would enjoy seeing him again yes, but I wouldn't search for him.

I didn't deserve that.

He was far too good for me. I only wished that he hadn't called me pretty, at least then I would know that I hadn't held a single drop of interest for him. At least then I wouldn't be obsessing over the tiniest of meetings. I didn't even know the guy!

You don't know him, Bella. You don't.

I couldn't explain it. It felt like I'd seen him before, talked to him like we'd had meaningful conversations about random things. Like he had held me all night, and I had listened to his heart pounding in his chest. I could practically see myself running my hands through that mysterious silky hair. I wanted to know what secrets those gorgeous eyes held. I needed it like I needed air.

I also _needed_ to get my priorities straight. Gosh.

And maybe I only knew all of that because of the dreams. The dreams that were consistent, never-ending, and when I woke up felt like a tragedy. I hated those dreams. I loved looking at the Edward in them, but they never left me satisfied, always left me wondering if it was just the pot talking through him in the infirmary. They left me wondering if I could indeed have a chance with Edward. They left me with hope.

And I was tired of lying to myself. So I stopped paying attention to the dreams when I woke up. I stopped hoping that I would see him, even if it wasn't the real him. I stopped hoping for the velvety voice that had captured my attention.

But some scars never fade.

* * *

I woke up groggy on Sunday morning. It was cloudy outside I could already tell. And I could almost feel the rain on my skin, from the comfort of my bed. It was a wonderful way to wake up.

My arms were burning, and my disappointment was seeping through me. I was used to it though, it didn't scare me as much as it used to. The cuts were just more scars that weren't going to fade. I'd stopped caring.

I did have to put on a long sleeve shirt before leaving my room. Alice didn't miss a thing. I didn't feel like talking about it.

I could smell the coffee as soon as I opened my door. None of us wanted an expensive coffee maker, and of course, our living room and kitchen were small enough that the smell of anything we cooked was everywhere. You could probably smell it all the way to the elevator.

"Bells!" I could hear Alice's squeal as if she was yelling it right into my ear. I tried to hold in my grimace, but sometimes I couldn't help it. "Come onnnn, Bella." I looked at her confused, had I missed everything she'd said because I was too focused on my own thoughts?

"Rose went out to get us Bagels!" She practically screamed. Alice had always been vocal. With anyone. About anything.

I'd known Alice since I was 6 and moved to Forks, Washington. My dad and mom had wanted to live in a smaller town, and my dad would have done anything to make mom happy. He loved her so much. He was practically her servant. She had immediately taken me under her wing as soon as I showed up for school. I was a first grader who wore baggy jeans and had hair that was almost always greasy. Alice had shown me the other side. Though of course, she could never convince me to wear dresses as she did. But we were great friends. And that had never changed. My parents loved her, and her parents loved that fact that someone could deal with her tornado-like personality.

And of course she stayed with me throughout high school, and she couldn't bare to leave me alone during college. So she stayed. And I loved her. She was also always there, no matter what. No matter how much of a baby I was being. She loved me.

"Bella was doing something tonight. I don't care what you say. I don't remember the last time you left the house." Alice told me. Not asking any questions. Not caring if I had other things going on. She told me. And everyone knew that you had to listen to Alice. She was our mom. More fun though.

"Alice. I don't want to leave. And I've left the house." I think. I went for classes. Not much else though. I just wasn't up for it this week. It wasn't that big of a deal really.

"Bella. I meant for fun. The last time you left to do anything but school, was Monday. And I don't even know why you left? Why did you leave?" She asked bringing up the one thing I didn't want to think about.

Edward was still surrounding my mind no matter how much I tried to put him away. My mind wouldn't budge. And I was angry. I knew I could keep living in a world that was the opposite of my reality.

"I went to the infirmary after hitting my head on the counter once again," I said giving her a smirk. Alice and Rose knew all about my uncoordinated body, they both found it quite amusing. I hated them for it.

"Of course. Why didn't you just get some ad-" Alice stopped short suddenly realizing her mistake? She knew I didn't want to bring it up. I knew that she wanted to talk to me about it, be the supporting friend, provide me with some comfort. I just couldn't talk about it. Not even with Alice.

"I obviously just wanted to see Lizzy. Duh." I said trying to give her my most warming smile. It felt like the only way to get out of all the tension I buried us in was to joke about it. I hoped Alice couldn't see how uncomfortable I was.

"Of course. I miss that chick. I'll stop by soon." She said turning into the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, I decided to leave her alone so we could both just forget about this conversation.

I decided to admire our apartment once again. All three of us girls had been in dorms last year, and none of us could decide who would room with who this year, so when Rose offered to use her parent's loans to buy an apartment and then split the rent all of us had been ecstatic. It was hard to believe we were all owners of this three bedroom apartment that was pretty much perfect for all our needs. It had 2 bathrooms and I'd offered to share with someone since I barely spent any time in there other then to take a shower, and the other two would spend days getting ready if allowed.

The kitchen was small but better than going down to the dining room everytime we wanted anything to eat. Alice and Rose weren't the best chefs, so I spent most of my time cooking us dinner, while the other two could handle breakfast and making a frozen pizza for lunch.

Though my favorite part about the apartment was the living room. It reminded me of my old house. It had red and grey walls, which changed every other wall, all of the artwork was put up by Alice who had a better eye for all thing beauty than me and Rose. We had a big tv, thanks to Rose, and plenty of movies we'd all put on our shelf. We loved movie night every once and a while, and there was a never-ending collection. It just screamed home to me, and the couch and chair were so comfortable we often found ourselves falling asleep in them. I didn't mind though.

I loved our place. It was great for a quiet time and I loved my two best friends.

Rose chose that exact moment to walk in, and the smell of fresh bagels invaded our apartment. None of us minded though, who would mind the smell of bagels in the morning?

"I come bearing presents!" She said as she set the box on the kitchen table. Already giving me and Alice a familiar smirk. Both of us knew we wouldn't be anywhere without Rosalie.

Sophomore year of high school we'd gained another student. Rose, of course, had taken everyone by surprise, the last new girl was me pretty much, and you could tell everyone was jumping for joy just to meet someone who didn't know everything about our small town. Rose, of course, was going through puberty like the rest of us, but she was still as breathtaking. It was nice to see something other than ghost white skin, and coming from California Rosalie was the perfect model with her blonde hair and long legs. The guys fell head over heels.

Alice and I had expected that she would join the "popular" group in our school, and sit with Maya and Irina and their clones at lunch, none of us would have blamed her, she was cool from the moment she walked in the doors. Though she'd picked me and Alice to befriend. Both of us sat together at the back of the cafeteria in high school, and Rose said she wanted a friend who wasn't just interested in how she looked. I had taken a liking to her instantly.

She fit right in, and though Rosalie hated the fact that her parents were never home, and only really sent her money to fend for herself, she loved the fact that she got to be a free bird, she still did in fact, she doubted her parents even knew what college she was going to. She stuck up for me and Alice, and we let her in just like we'd all met at the same time. We loved her immediately.

So we all moved in together. And we were still best friends. Surprising right?

Recently we all found a new love for the bagel shop at the end of our street, and it seemed that my friends could read my mind and knew when I needed some cheering up. Even if it was just bagels, still the best support I have.

After choosing a cinnamon bagel for myself, and settling down in the closest chair, I watched my two beautiful best friend smile at the box of bagels. They both outshined me. While I was bland and boring, they had their own style that was so unique that no one questioned it, it just worked for the pixie and model. I loved watching them do random things because it helped me feel better in knowing that they didn't everyday things like me too. I wasn't just some weirdo that lived with them.

"So what are you guys up to?" Rose asked sitting down with her bagel, and thoroughly taking a bite of it. She probably loved these bagels more than the rest of us.

Alice smiled at me, and then looked back at Rose with mischief in her eyes, I didn't know what she was getting into. "Well, I just told Bella that we're doing something fun with her this weekend." She said, and I watched Rosalie's face light up at the mention of fun. I didn't know what they were planning, but I doubted it would be any fun for me.

"Alice, Rosie, my definition of fun is sitting down with a cup of tea and reading, or staying in with you guys and watching a movie, I don't like going out," I said giving them both stern looks. Their crazy ideas always backfired on me.

"Bella. Bells. You need some outside time. You're gonna become a loner, and we can't be friends with a loner." Alice said whining and practically jumping out her seat. I knew I wasn't going to get her to budge.

I saw Rose's mouth open like she was about to say something, but then the phone rang, causing all of us to jump in shock, very few people knew our home number, and none of them called us very often.

"I'll get it," I said enjoying the looks of confusion on both of their faces, they were just as confused as me. My heart was beating with something I couldn't recognize. I didn't like the phone very much, and even less when I didn't know who it was. But I continued my descend not wanting to force one of the girls to get it.

I walked over to the phone picking it up and bringing it up to my ear. My heart as still beating erratically.

And before I could get a word out, the person on the other side spoke in a far to familiar

"Bells?".

And with that, I dropped the phone, my heart stopping completely.

* * *

 **I'm sorry for making it short. I know I keep promising longer, but I wanted to get something out. And if nobody noticed I was referencing the series "the darkest minds", if you have read it, you should, I love it almost as much as twilight. Sorry for the cliffhanger. You'll see what happens.**


	6. Chapter 6

**EPOV:**

It turns out that looking for a girl, whom you've seen once, also including the fact that you don't know her name, or can't remember it, is a problem. It had been a week and multiple times I had caught myself ready to bang my head against the wood of my desk, hopefully knocking the useless computer off of it. It wasn't that big of a deal, I mean its only this girl who might not actually be real, who I can't get out of my head, and may possibly be the only girl I've actually felt attracted to at the first glimpse of her, but no biggie. I'll live if I don't find her.

Yup, I'm a big liar. Fibbing myself again it seems.

I don't understand what this girl does to make herself seem so irresistible but if I ever see her again, I'm telling her she's doing a good job. I have OCD but only for this girl.

And I'll be honest I don't believe in love at first sight, not at all. It seems ridiculous that you can love someone that you know nothing about, wouldn't you at least want to know if they weren't a murderer. And I'm not saying that what I have with Clinic Girl is love, but its the closest thing I can imagine to it. It seems so off that I can't remember anything about her except her face.

I guess I'm lucky I remember her at all.

And so far my research for Clinic Girl has done nothing for me, all the information I found doesn't help me at all, so I threw it out the window. Simple enough.

It's getting harder and harder to sleep, the only thing that has been showing up in them is Clinic Girl, I can't escape from her. I've spent 4 classes only thinking of ways to find her.

I could always go ask the other lady in the infirmary, but I don't want to lose all of my dignity, and it seems like she would laugh at me for trying to find a girl I saw in the clinic while I was high, she just gives me those vibes. Not to mention that Emmett and Jasper would have a field day hearing about my new obsession, so there is actually no one to talk to. And I'm just about ready to bang my head against my desk.

The week had gone by slow, everything I did seemed like a challenge. I only had 4 classes because 2 of them were canceled which threw off my schedule and left me wondering what to do with my time. The classes I did have made absolutely no sense, and I'm beginning to question why I decided to go to school in the first place. It's useless if I'm not going to pay attention. So I forced my eyes to focus on the teachers, barely blinking most of the time. Yet I still felt myself being lulled to sleep, there was nothing to keep me interested, at least my professors could have been girls, instead of the men most of them will beer bellies, so I could have something to look at instead of the wall. Emmett had tried to get me to go out for drinks at least 15 times, but every time I shot him down, telling him that I was tired and wouldn't be any fun. He didn't argue, so I got to be alone. Thank god.

But I know that I can't avoid my friends until I find this girl, and she can leave my mind for longer than a second at a time. I know that Emmett will keep pestering me until I agree, and Jaspers likely to offer some "Bro" time this weekend because we won't have any school. Still, I really don't want to leave my house anyway. I wish there was some way to tell them that I won't be good company, and there's no use for me to be there.

I also really wish I could just see this girl on her way to class or something, because even though Emmett kind of proved that she's real, I still need to know if its the same person, and not just an angel I thought up. That would be heartbreaking.

Though if I'm being honest, if there was the girl that held a fraction of the attraction Clinic Girl holds for me, I would fall for her, because of shes real, and she's beautiful, and then I don't have to spend all my time thinking about her.

I know that I wouldn't get over her. It honestly feels painful to think about the fact that I might never see her ever again, or a real her. And that is what freaks me out the most.

* * *

I'm trying not to think about her. Honestly, I'm trying so hard. But its impossible, it's almost as hard as trying to lift a 60-pound weight with one finger. And believe me, even Emmett can't do that.

I keep trying to distract myself by doing something around the apartment, I tried watching tv, tried reading something that I've already read before, tried to figure out something cool to cook, tried to play video games, catch up on some homework, but none of them were efficient enough. I didn't think this was how my Saturday would play out.

Still, the daydreams are making everything harder. I imagine me and Clinic Girl holding hands and watching tv together, I see both of us cooking and laughing in my kitchen, I see myself undressing her... but I always shut them out, somehow its harder to see her in a different reality and then discover its not real, then it is to not think about her at all.

Emmett texted me earlier, but I think he knows I won't answer, and I also think that he's going to come and drag me out of my apartment and to another party. Again I really don't want to go to a party, last time was lesson enough, I get it, I'm not meant to be out with the other kids.

And as if Emmett could read minds, I hear a large bang coming from the living room, or more specifically the walkway. And the bang was Emmett slamming my door against the wall. I still have no idea why I even gave him the key, he only uses it to do damage.

"EDDIE!" He shouts as if I didn't already hear him breaking my wall. His voice is loud when he's talking normally, but when he's yelling you'd think there was an earthquake.

I can hear his clomping around my apartment, and I sigh. I love him, he's my brother, but he can't respect privacy for the life of him. As a kid, my parents couldn't get him to keep out of anyone's business, and we all knew that he wasn't going to change. We stopped trying to get him to stay out of everybody else's lives after he found out that I kept a diary when I was nine. It was hopeless.

He comes into the kitchen already opening the fridge to grab something without as much as a glance my way. It almost makes me want to laugh that he cares more about my food than me.

"Wow. Emmett you do know its rude to burst into someone's house, and then go through their fridge without asking right?" I say, and although I'm mostly teasing, I truly do want to know if Emmett does this when he goes to other peoples houses. And if he does, we're going to have a serious talk with mom, and both of us will probably yell at him a bit.

Emmett only looks confused for a second before turning to glance at me.

"Yes dear brother I do realize that this can be considered as rude, but seeing as you've been purposefully ignoring my texts and calls, were even." He says smirking as he calls me out.

I can't tell if this is a good thing or bad thing, normally I would come back with some witty remark, but I actually feel bad that I haven't been talking to him, and I want him to know that its not anything he did, because if the roles were reversed I would be worried he was mad at me.

I smile at him and give him a friendly punch in the shoulder. He goes back to the fridge and grabs a soda, looking at it like it's the last thing he's ever going to drink.

I watch him chug the drink down, wondering how in the world that doesn't hurt his stomach. He then shoots it into the trash can, turning back to face me, and the look on his face makes me uneasy.

He's up to something I can tell it, his mouth is pulled up a tiny bit at the corners, his eyes are practically sparkling, and his dimples are already starting to show. When we were little he only had this look when he was trying to get his little brother to do something stupid, and most of the time he succeeded. I hated that then. I hate it now.

"Emmett.." I say giving him a look which I can only hope looks like moms "don't get into trouble" look.

He just keeps smiling. It is kind of funny in a weird way. But I also feel like punching him, I don't know whether to laugh or beat him up.

"Aw, Ed. You know your big brothers got the brains to get you to have some fun." He says walking closer to me, I can already feel myself backing up. I don't want him to do anything that could cause problems, and he's been known to do that.

"Unfortunately, we're not doing _that_ tonight." He says sighing, and wiping his hands on his jeans. "but Jazz is coming so we can play games. So you won't be completely alone. But this also means you have to get off your ass." after he's done making snarky comments I don't think anything could wipe the smug look off of his face.

I look at him, and I almost tackle him. Playing with Jasper actually sounds fun, and exactly what I need to get my mind off of Clinic Girl, but he made me worried, and when Emmett has a ridiculous plan he doesn't let anything get in the way. I really didn't feel like dealing with that tonight.

I know he's a big guy, but it always surprises me how someone even his size can make me feel so annoyed.

I finally turn around sighing again. I know I need to pay more attention to other people, but Emmett could have warned me at least. I'm about to tell him so when I realize that's probably what his texts were about. I should've looked at them, it's rude to do that to Emmett who only cares. I mean at least he's not telling me to fuck off.

So I go and grab multiple sodas from my fridge, leave Emmett to pick a game and start it up, and then go and get dressed.

While I'm in my room I realize I smell like a trash can, and decide to take a shower, I hope Emmett won't mind, but because I've already been a jerk to him, I decide to not leave him hanging.

"Hey, Em?" I say already hearing him yell at the tv. I think I hear him grunt, but even if he doesn't I decide to continue, "I'm gonna take a shower, okay?"

I hear his smirk from across the room "Go ahead Eddie, I know every guy needs that kind of relief every once and a while."

I sigh and shut the door, I feel like ignoring him.

I go back through our conversation and realize how much of a child I sound like. Which only makes me more nervous. I'd developed anxiety as a teenager, and now I still had problems doing things without letting others know, and I could never shake the fear when I did something wrong, or even a tad bit upsetting in any way. Emmett was always very cool about it mostly because he understood I wasn't making it up, but the kids at school had laughed when I had panic attacks over the smallest things. I still did sometimes.

Such a disappointment. Always.

I sigh and turn the water on even hotter then normal, if only I could wash the fear off, then everything would be fine.

* * *

When Jasper walks through the door all of our moods lift up. Jasper has always been really good at noticing how other people feel, but he can also change your mood in a weird way. It's kind of like he gets you to feel whatever he wants you to feel. I think that's why we became friends in the first place because he was able to ease my stress with his mood. And because he's funny, and somewhat respectful, at least more than Emmett.

He and Emmett immediately start playing about 5 seconds after he takes off his jacket.

When I first introduced them I didn't expect them to become friends, but Emmett started telling jokes, and Jasper started teasing him, and then we were a pack of three, and I could do anything about it.

"Edward, you gonna play or what?"

I walk over to them after grabbing a soda, and sit down on the couch next to Emmett, he smells, but of course, we're all guys here, I don't care.

"Eddie remember that girl I told you about last week before we went to the party?" Emmett asks, barely removing his focus from the game.

I try to think back to the afternoon before the party, I remember him saying there was some "smoking hot girl" but I don't remember seeing her, not at the party at least, I did see a beauty in the infirmary.

I smile at the memory, probably looking like a madman, but even with my obsession over Clinic Girl, she really was beautiful.

"I remember you mentioning some girl, I don't remember meeting her though," I say picking up a controller and setting up my character, although I'm not even sure what we're playing really.

Jasper looks over at us, and I can see him smirking like he knows something I don't. I don't like the feeling that look gives me, I prefer it if they would just tell me what they're thinking, I'm not a mind reader after all.

"Jessica? You didn't see her?" Emmett asks although I know he's trying to act cool, I can tell there something going on that both of them know about. I can hear it in his voice.

And then with the mention of Jessica's name I remember how she jumped me at the party, telling me how much I wanted her. I know that I denied her at least 3 times, and then I think I pushed her off of me, which yes is rude, but she didn't get the point. That's why I ate the brownies...

"I saw her. I don't know why you were trying to set me up with her though?" Emmett shouldn't know my taste better, I've denied every single girl that looks like Jessica, he should know by now that's not what I'm into.

"Dude, she's a hot chick, I was hoping you would at least feel something for her?"

I will admit she's pretty, but she's trying harder then she needs to. And I know for a fact that she likes Mike Newton more than me.

"Emmett, I don't appreciate being jumped. She wouldn't get off of me, I had to run away from her." I've stopped playing the game now because I really want him to get the point, I have a bit of an anger issue, but I've told Emmett time and time again that I don't want to be set up. With anyone. Well... maybe Clinic Girl.

"Ed, I'm sorry man, but you've been single practically your whole life. I just want you to be happy." he finally looks at me, and I can see how he really is trying to apologize.

"Edward, I know you're mad at Emmett, but he had the best intentions. And he's right. You need to put yourself out there." Jasper joins in.

Suddenly I'm feeling like this is an intervention to end my singleness. Both of them have serious looks on their face, and I can tell both of them are trying to get something out of me.

Jasper has always been the peacekeeper between us brothers, but its weird that he's getting involved in this, he knows I won't act out on my anger.

"What are you guys doing? I'm fine with being single. I just don't like any of the girls here."

Although that's a lie, I like Clinic Girl, though I'm still not 100% sure that she's a real person.

"I'm just gonna say it." Emmett suddenly says, and I can see Jasper tense up, "Ed, are you gay? Because we're both cool with that, and I'm sure Mom and Dad would be too. You can tell us, man."

It's not only Emmett's words but the look on his face that makes me burst out laughing. He looks so nervous like I'm going to smack him for figuring out a secret I didn't want him to know about. I can't believe that they both think I'm gay. I'm glad that if I was they wouldn't care, but I am 100% into girls. No doubt.

I didn't realize I was still laughing until I look at both of their faces. If I thought Emmett's face was funny before, this is hilarious, both of the look so confused.

"No. I'm not gay. Wow. I cant...why?" I say still trying to hold in my laughter.

"Edward, you haven't been out with a girl since high school. Its okay, we honestly don't care." I think its funny how both of them teamed up to help me come out. I wonder if they'll be disappointed that I don't like guys...

"And honestly, I'm not gay. Just haven't found the right girl."

I watch both of their faces twist into confusion, and then clear up again. I don't know why they would come to the conclusion that I was gay. I've had a girlfriend before.

And then they both burst out laughing. They were having more emotions than a 5-year-old at a birthday party. It was both confusing and amusing to watch.

"Ahhh, Edward. Always keeping us from our fun." Jasper said, then punched me in the shoulder.

"Okay Eddie, prove it to us. I don't think you've ever been attracted to a girl." Emmett said looking at me with challenging eyes. I didn't really want to tell them about Clinic Girl, but I also really wanted to let out all the pent-up emotions I'd been trying to keep in check. It was confusing to not know which to do.

But as they both stared me down, trying to figure if I really was gay or not, I gave in to my fears, their eyes were already seeing straight through me, and I needed someone to know about Clinic Girl.

So I let it all out. I told them how I was worried she was just a dream at first. I told them how the dreams I'd been having freaked me out. How I still didn't know if she was a real person. How I think I'd met her, but I couldn't remember anything about her except her face. I told them that I needed to find her, and how I thought that maybe the other lady in the infirmary could confirm my dreams. I finally told them how I felt like I was obsessed with her, and that's why I didn't go out all week.

Of course, you could see Emmett trying to hold in his laughter. Though Jasper looked at me like he knew exactly what I'd been talking about, even though I doubted there was anyone as crazy as me.

And then they both accepted the fact that I'm straight and nothing was going to change that.

And then I told them I didn't want to talk about it anymore, even though I could tell that Emmett was having a hard time accepting that, he agreed and we continued to play games, though I still couldn't get her out of my head.

* * *

It was a big surprise to both of them when hours later we discovered that I really didn't have any food in my kitchen. And I mean none.

Emmett looked taken back like I was a monster that shouldn't be allowed to walk on this earth, he told me I was a disgrace, and that I was going to starve and he wouldn't care. Though I could see his dimple the entire time, so I knew he didn't really care as much as he was trying to let on.

Jasper looked disappointed. And worried. Like he assumed I hadn't eaten anything all week. I knew he was only concerned about my health, but it made me feel important that he cared even though I'd been a jerk.

And then Emmett announced that we were going out to eat. Jasper suggested just ordering pizza, but Emmett would listen to that, saying that pizza wasn't enough for him. And then he proceeded to tell us about this restaurant he saw last week that had just opened, and he knew just by the way it looked that it was the best food we would ever taste. I told him that his hyperbole wasn't convincing enough, and he proceeded to over exaggerate.

But in the end, Jasper and I couldn't deny that both of us were starving, and we would eat just about anything. So we let Emmett carry us to the car, and then he drove us like a madman across town.

Me and Emmett both had crazy driving skills, we'd never gotten a ticket, though we both went at least 20 miles over the speed limit every time we drove, and back in Chicago I'd just assumed the cops didn't really care that we were speeding, but in Seattle when it remained the same I knew we were both just really good at avoiding the cops. I guess it was a gift.

Jasper made small talk while we drove, talking about his classes and how we were considering switching Majors next year, telling us that his parents wouldn't care, they just wanted him to go to college. He asked Emmett about football, and Emmett told him how the coaches were pushing maybe just a bit too hard, but he didn't really mind. I just kept quiet the entire time because I knew that I didn't have anything to talk about except Clinic Girl, and they'd acted so cool about it earlier, I didn't want to annoy them with my obsession.

When we got to the restaurant we practically had to crawl through the doors we were so hungry. And I felt the need to puke with all the hunger pains that were making their way across my stomach.

Emmett continued the conservation while we walked up to the front, talking about how he saw this place, and how he was hungry.

It was called La Bella Italia, and the name struck me right in the chest, it was familiar though I didn't know where from. When we walked in the smells hit us like a smack in the face. After looking at all of our faces you'd probably think we were in heaven eating the best food in the world. I don't think I'd ever felt this hungry, though I guess it made sense with all my obsessing I hadn't eaten that much.

The host seemed a little lost when we went up to her desk. And I saw her eyes widen when she took all of us in, we probably looked stupid. When we were seated in the back of the restaurant I could feel the mood change. I couldn't tell what had happened, but I didn't like it.

Before I could get a word out the waitress walked up to our table, swaying her hips a little, and I saw how her eyes turned almost black when she saw us, I then understood that it wasn't because we looked stupid to her, it was that we looked attractive. I didn't mind, though the funny part about it was that she couldn't seem to focus on one of us, her eyes kept going back and forth, and it was amusing to watch her mind swirl. I saw that Emmett was also smirking, the cocky guy, but when I looked at Jasper to see if he found this funny he was looking down at the table.

I knew something was wrong.

After ordering our cokes, and food at the same time, the waitress left and I was back to watching Jasper's mood plummet. Something really was wrong, and it was hard to watch his eyes get sadder and sadder.

Jasper was usually a happy go for it kind of guy, rarely did you see his mood shift from anything other than fun. He was always joking, always had a smile on his face, his light blue eyes never held anything but pure joy, and you could tell he wasn't one of those people that faked their emotions. And that's why it was so hard to see him like this.

I needed to do something so he would stop looking so pensive.

"Hey Jazz, penny for your thoughts?" I said sliding a penny his way, it was kind of lame, but I didn't like his mood. And I saw his mouth twitch at the corner a little bit so I knew this was the right decision.

"Sorry, Ed. Its just you talking about your girl earlier got me thinking," he said, and I didn't miss the fact that I was filled with warmth at the mention of "my girl", but I wasn't going to dwell on how much I wanted that to be true, I was going to listen to Jasper because I was a good friend. "well..I'm in the same situation."

I saw him take a big gulp, and I couldn't deny the fact that this was surprising. I didn't know anyone could be in the same boat as me, especially not Jasper.

"I was walking across Campus last week, and I saw this girl..." it seemed that it was really hard for him to get the words out, and I was going to give him as much time as possible. "well she was so energetic, she wasn't even walking, she was skipping. And I couldn't really see her face, but she was beautiful."

I watched his face light up as he talked about this girl that skipped across campus. It was nice that his mood was at least lifted a little bit.

"And I mean, it freaked me out. I haven't been able to think about anything else, just like you, and I don't know what to do about it. It's so confusing, and concerning." I see his face deflate, but I understand exactly what he means, it is confusing and concerning to be so infatuated with somebody you've never met.

But I know its also different for Jazz. He hasn't ever mentioned a girl to me before, prom night he walked into a room during the dance looking for his girl, and he found his ex-girlfriend Maria riding another friend from the soccer team. He hasn't trusted anyone since, or at least that's what he says, but I know that he still loves her, or he did, but since then he didn't look at anyone else with anything but the intention to talk to them. It was scary for me to watch, but I understood.

I think that's why Jasper is so confused with himself, he didn't expect to love anyone as much as he did Maria, and attraction is one of the first steps to love.

But I have no way to comfort him.

Luckily, Emmett, the love doctor, does. "Look, Jasper, I know you think its weird to move on, but Maria was a bitch to you. You loved her, but she was a bitch. You deserve a girl you care about you as much as you care about her. Okay? It's normal."

And I can tell both Jasper and I are shocked. I'd never heard Emmett talk about something serious for that long, and especially never heard him talking about something serious and he was right. It was very confusing. I felt like I was seeing a whole new side of my brother.

But then he put a smug look on his face, and the serious talk was over. "Ready to eeeat?" He said practically jumping up and down. I'm glad normal Emmett's back.

We get our food then, and let me tell you, it was probably the best thing I had ever tasted, and by the looks on their faces, Jasper and Emmett felt the same. The conversation was over, but none of us cared, we inhaled the food that was put in front of us, but you could tell all of us were deep in thought. Emmett was probably thinking something stupid. But Jasper looked relieved like he was glad that someone had told him its okay to feel attracted to another girl. And I was just happy that the mood seemed to switch again, back to something much more comfortable.

After we finished eating, which was only about fifteen minutes later, our waiter brought our check, I didn't fail to see how she had slipped her number in with it, for at least one of us to use, although I took it and threw it in the plant next to us. Before I could pay Emmett stole it from me, and started putting cash in the little folder, me and Jazz both offered to split it, but Emmett refused to acknowledge us.

And we walked out, the smell still smacking us, I hoped we'd be back because I wanted more. Though right before walking in something caught my eye.

It was a couple. The girl was laughing, though you could tell it was a nervous laugh, but it was still a beautiful sound. You could see something was wrong in her eyes.

And then I saw it. I looked at her more clearly.

She was an angel.

And Clinic Girl was looking back at me. And so was the man next to her.

* * *

 **I said it would be longer, and it is. I'm also hoping to publish another chapter tonight or tomorrow. I hope you enjoyed.**


	7. Chapter 7

**BPOV:**

My heart was beating quicker than it ever had before. I knew that I had to pick the phone back up but I couldn't.

I couldn't.

My heart kept speeding up, it was going faster now.

I couldn't listen to that voice.

Not only my heart pounding, but my head was now.

My clumsiness caught up to me, and I slipped on the tiles, falling on my knees, going down the counter scratched my hip probably leaving a mark, but I couldn't look. I couldn't really do anything, if Alice and Rose had noticed me freaking out, I didn't notice it. My eyes hurt with the pain of trying to keep them open. I wanted to shut myself down, I didn't want to listen to anything. I didn't want my friends to feel pity for me. I didn't want to answer the phone. Oh, how I wished I had let Alice get it.

Suddenly I'm aware of everything going on around me.

Rose if crouched over me asking me if I'm okay.

Alice is getting some water at the sink, then she comes over and hands it to me.

I take it quickly, gulping it down before they can ask what's wrong again.

Both of them look at me with concerned eyes, I want to tell them not to pity me, but my voice doesn't seem to work.

I feel like someone has tied my entire body up, like I'm leaning against a wall, my arms burn with the tightness they've been held together. My feet are sore like I've been standing on them for hours at a time. My stomach aches, and I know that I need something cool to run through it before it'll feel better again. My eyes are fighting against my mind, but I don't want to keep them open anymore. I want to give up. Though I'm still sitting in my kitchen, the phone is still clutched in my hand, and I can see my knuckles getting white. Its just phantom pain, its just a memory making itself real.

It feels so real though.

And I can move, my body is paralyzed. I don't know what's wrong with me but I cant feel myself cracking, everything feels as if it's broken. I can't break here though, not with Alice and Rose right there, they would know what's wrong. They don't deserve that burden. I don't deserve their pity.

My breathing is fast, and I'm just noticing the way I'm trying to grab on something, the way my hands keep running across my legs like they're looking for something. My breathing is so fast though, and my throat hurts with all the pressure I'm putting on it. I can hear myself gasping, yet I seem so far away.

And I can't even recognize what this is. Why am I freaking out this much? What is wrong with me?

I search my memories for something like this happening before. Its like I'm scrolling through a timeline of my life. I can see anything merely related to what's happening. But then my brain catches up with my body and it hits me.

Panic attack. That's what this is. I need to stop it.

I hold my breath trying to stop my heart completely so I can get it back on track. I can feel it slowing down. I focus on the table trying to keep my eyes open. I can feel myself relaxing.

Though the pain is getting worse and worse. It feels so real, and even though I know that I'm not in trouble and there's no one here to hurt me, I can't get away from the fake pain that rests on my skin. I want to scrub at it and get it to go away. I know that it won't stop though. I know that this is too much for me to deal with, I've finally hit my breaking point.

No Bella. No breaking. Not here. Not now.

I finally release my breath letting the sweet air fill my lungs. Its settled down. Everything is calm again, and my heart is barely beating, but in this case, it isnt such a bad thing. Its all okay.

Its all okay. Its all okay. Itsallokay. Okay.

No its not okay. I can feel myself freaking out again. I'm trying to stop the thoughts from entering my mind, but it feels like there is no limit to them. They won't stop attacking me like predators. And all I can do is wish that they'll start to slow down.

It's only then, I feel my friends' warm hands on my calves. They're here and I need to let them know I'm okay.

I then look at the clock, and while it seems like my panic attack lasted hours, I know that it can't have been more than a minute. I also know that the person on the other end of the phone won't have hung up. I know that I will have to face him. I don't really have a choice because he won't stop until he gets what he wants. He always gets what he wants I remind myself.

I slowly let my grip loosen on the phone, and put my hand on Rose's to reassure her. She knows that there is something going on now, I can't stop her thoughts and assumptions, but I can avoid them. I look at Alice and try to smile but it feels like a frown, apparently its still hard for me to move anything.

Why now?

Why couldn't he call some other day?

My limbs slowly start listening to me, and with the help of Alice and Rose, I'm back on my feet. I can feel my body shaking, but that's better than hyperventilating.

"Bella? The phone?"

I realize that I need to answer it. But I can feel my mind and body protesting, its as if they can sense that he's on the phone, that he's waiting.

I bring is back up to my ear, waiting for the voice to capture my thoughts once again. My body is ready to shut down, but I know that will only make him madder. Anything to keep him away from my new life. Anything.

"Hello?" I say in the calmest voice I can muster. I know he only likes the fear. I can't allow him that pleasure.

"Well hello, Miss Bella. Miss me?" Jacob says trying to get a reaction out of me I suppose. I won't do anything irrational.

"Hi. One minute, let me find someplace quieter." quietly I put him on mute, praying to god my friends won't ask who it is, I can't lie to them too. I can't deal with that kind of pain anymore. They'll know. I don't want the pity.

I look up and see then both looking straight into my eyes with questioning glances, I wonder if they can sense the pain, it feels like it's just rolling off of me.

"Its an old friend from Forks. I'll just take this to my room." I avoid their glances, because I know if I look them in the eye, they'll just ask more questions, and I can't answer anything else.

I tiptoe over to my room, which is usually my sanctuary from all the cautious, but now it only feels like a cage I'm going to be trapped in. I don't want to be alone, but Alice and Rose don't need this burden too. They don't deserve to carry all of the pain I keep inside.

"Bella? I was beginning to wonder if you'd hung up?" Jacob pauses, knowing I wouldn't dare do that to him, "though I suppose you know how that would make me feel..."

I stare at the wall, not wanting to feel anything from his words. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. Though I can't seem to make myself numb today, it feels like too much. All of it. Overwhelming.

"I need to see you, Isabella..." He said as I sucked in a harsh breath, I didn't want to see him.

"We're meeting. I'll send you the address." It wasn't a surprise to me that he was in California. I knew that he would get too great lengths just to make me feel uneasy. And then Jacob hung up, and I felt better immediately. I didn't want to meet anywhere with him, but at least it wouldn't be at home. At least I would get a choice.

Jacob and I had been best friends ever since our fathers brought us both on fishing trips as kids. We had a great time playing games with each other, and as we got older our connection did not fade. We both still enjoyed the others company immensely, though I could always tell there was something different with Jacob, he was my best friend though, I didn't care. As we continued to get older, Jacob started developing feelings for me, and although at first I was disturbed at the thought of being in a relationship with my best friend, our parents pushed us to be together, and I gave in. By the time I was 17 Jacob was my first boyfriend.

Jacob had always been different to me then I would've expected from a boyfriend, when comparing him to all of Alice's and Rose's boyfriends, he just wasn't the same, but he was mine, and I was his. As I got brought deeper into the relationship Jacob changed, he got very possessive and protective of me. I wasn't left alone with anyone other than Rose and Alice, and that was only because Jacob knew that I wouldn't be away from them too.

He started going through my phone when we were together, telling me he was worried that I was cheating, even though he knew that I wouldn't do that to him.

It started to get really bad when he started shutting down everything I said. I would be all excited about some achievement I had gotten, but Jacob would say that I wasn't trying hard enough, that I was stupid and I was never going to go to college.

The only time I found it unbearable was when Jacob decided he was going to be my first, and I his. He always talked about us being together intimately, though I didn't want that, I wanted to wait until marriage for my husband. He wouldn't take no for an answer though.

One night he decided it was time, and no matter how many times I said no, he was ready. And against my will, I lost my virginity to someone I wasn't even sure I loved.

I knew that I shouldn't have put up with Jacob, but he suffered through severe depression episodes, threating to take his own life multiple times, and I knew that if I tried to break up with him something drastic would happen. I wasn't going to put Jacob through that no matter how hard it was for me.

I can only remember three times when there was physical abuse, one time when I told him I didn't want to have sex with him, but he said he needed it, he punched me in the stomach and told me I would listen, I did. There was another time when I didn't want to hang out with him during a holiday, I was cut on the leg multiple times for that. And the third time when I told him I was leaving for college, he hit me in the head so many times that I fainted. Nobody knew. Every time something happened Jacob said I tripped in the garage, saying I was always so clumsy.

After the head hitting, I had to take a break from everything, it was so bad that I was in the hospital for a week. My dad was worried but he believed Jacob, and I wasn't going to tell him otherwise.

He was always so kind around everyone else, but he was different around me, scary, possessive, more like an abuser. I didn't fight though.

When I went to college a year after the hit, I texted Jacob saying our relationship was over, I know it was rude not to do it in person, but I was already worried about him, I didn't need to be worried about my physical health. He didn't respond, and that's what made me the most nervous. The phone call had been the first time I had talked to him in 4 months.

Alice and Rose had never approved of Jacob, he and Rose had gotten in many fights with each other, but I knew I couldn't do anything about him.

It was only after I moved to California that I started to feel the pain emotionally. I realized what had been going on for so long, and that it was definitely my fault that I hadn't fought back. I was hitting rock bottom very fast. And the only people there to witness it was my two best friends. And even they couldn't help.

It got better and then it got worse.

And I knew I had to meet him, hopefully, it would be public so he couldn't do anything to harm me. And I knew that if I could get out of there as quick as possible, I wouldn't be forced to do anything.

The only other reason I was going to go is for some closure. I needed him to know that we were over. That I could be with someone else, someone who cared about me. Someone with striking green eyes.

* * *

Alice and Rose accepted my excuse of meeting up with an old friend. They both lived in Forks with me, but they didn't hang out on the reservation as I did, so I had different friends than they did.

I was getting ready, trying on any long sleeve shirts I had, no way I was going to show my arms to Jacob.

The place was close enough that I could walk there, I didn't want to take the car, only to have Jacob make me leave it there so _he_ could have some fun.

As I was approaching the restaurant I saw his car right up front, I also didn't miss the fact that he was leaning against it. Jacob was a big guy, he had started getting really buff around 16 and then I had teased him about it, now I could only wish that he was scrawny so I could stand a chance against him. His newly cut short black hair stuck up like he had put lots of product in it.

My arms got goosebumps as soon as I was within 10 feet of him, my bodies reaction to him could prove how much I wanted him to stay away from me.

One night. One meal Bella. That's it.

"Ahhh, hi Bells." He said bringing me into a side hug, I felt uncomfortable but I wouldn't tell him that, as we started to walk in he pinched the skin near my ribs like a reminder, I tried not to flinch, but I hated his hands on any part of me.

You could smell the food from outside, the restaurant was called La Bella Italia, which was probably why Jacob picked it, to tease me. He knew I loved Italian food and its surprising that he was giving me something I would enjoy. In the end, though he would probably take the food away from me.

AS the smell got more intense my stomach began to rumble, I knew that Jacob could hear it, and his breath on my ear made me tense up immediately.

"Hungry Bella? Good..." I closed my eyes as we walked through the front doors, only to remember that I couldn't take any chances with Jacob around. He would do something to be if I left my guard down for too long. I didn't want anything happening in public.

So I opened my eyes, and the sight in front of me made me flinch, but in a good way. Because after thinking about them for long I would know those green eyes anywhere. Edward was here.

Edward was here. But he was leaving. And this time he looked more aware. His eyes were less cloudy, his hair even wilder than the last time, he was also staring straight at me, and I could feel a direct sadness coming from him. He didn't deserve to be sad.

I watched as he followed two other men out the door, but then watched as he took a quick glance back at me. I wondered if he remembered me? Is that why his eyes look so confused?

I couldn't focus on him though. I had to be here with Jacob, I had to get through this dinner as quick as possible.

So I watched as Jacob requested a quiet table, and then as he led me to a corner booth. I watched as he made me slide into the booth first, and even though he could have sat on the other side, I watched as he sat down next to me, almost like he was making sure I couldn't escape. Any other guy I would have thought this was sweet, and he couldn't bear to be far away from me, but with Jacob, it felt more like a cage.

"What do you want to eat Bella?" Jacob's voice was harsh, and I knew we were going to be talking about something that angered him. I didn't want to be near him while he was angry, but I could leave now.

I only wished that someone would come in a save me. Anyone.

It seems my wish was granted because a waiter came over and took our drink orders. Of course, I wasn't allowed to say a word, Jacob ordered for me, and I watched as the waiter gave him an unweary glance, I smiled up at her, but it felt more like a grimace.

After she left Jacob gave my thigh a hard squeeze, and I felt my face crumble, as I leaned into my shoulder, I didn't want him touching me. I didn't like to be touched period, but Jacob's touches were not loving, they were meant to hurt me. He wanted to see my fear.

"Bella, what was that text I received that said "we're over"?" he looked at me, and I felt myself shrink further down. "because we both know that's not true. You cant leave me." He looked at me, and the glare in his eyes made me want to throw up.

He was always scary to anyone who looked at him, just because of his size, but his face was the thing that scared me the most. I didn't like to look at the murderous glint that was always there. It always made me feel nauseous. Jacob knew this, because several times before I had thrown up.

"Bella you know you can't leave. Remember the last time you tried?" he said smirking. The last time I tried to leave was the first time I was going to college, he had beat me then. After that, I didn't tell him about leaving for college.

"Ah, so you do remember. Well, Bells...we wouldn't want to end up in the hospital again would we?" I saw the murder on his face, and I knew that if I refused again it would much worse then last time.

"I can't wait for you to come. You cant imagine how hard it been without you..." He came down to my ear whispering, and his warm breath made me flinch again, and I felt him chuckle. He loved that he could do that. He also knew that I knew what he was talking about. It turns out it wasn't going to be just dinner. I was going with him somewhere else.

I couldn't go with him.

I couldn't.

I cant.

I feel my breathing speed up again. And looking at his face only brought bile up my throat. Suddenly the pain in my stomach was making its way up my ribs. And while I was trying not to panic, Jacob was pinching the skin on the inside of my thigh, and I couldn't let him get any further. My stomach wouldn't allow it.

It almost felt like I was moving in slow motion when I jumped over him out of the booth. I was going to throw up, and I knew that if it happened anywhere near him there would be punishment. I couldn't deal with that.

So I ran to the bathroom, ignoring all the staff trying to get me to slow down. I could hear Jacob laughing back at our table as I ran, but I didn't care enough to turn back around. I didn't want anyone to clean up my vomit.

Luckily the bathroom was open, and as soon as I could step in I felt the food from this morning making its way up my throat. I made it to the toilet in seconds, letting myself purge everything out of me.

I couldn't calm down. I couldn't go anywhere with him. Not anymore, not after being away for so long. Not with being happier, and sadder than I've ever been.

As I calmed myself down, and make sure there wasn't anything left to throw up. I got my breathing under control like I had so many times before. I had to face him, no matter how much I didn't want too.

I got up and washed my hands. I felt so dirty around him, I was probably going to scrub myself down as soon as I got home. If I got home.

I decided then, I wasn't going to face him. I didn't have too. We are in a public place, he cant exactly do anything bad here without anyone noticing. So I could leave, I could walk out the door. I could do something against him. I could fight this time.

I had to run out though. I couldn't take any chances. I knew that he wouldn't be waiting for me, he wasn't that smart or that kind.

I ran out of the bathroom looking down at my purse trying to grab something. As I wasn't paying attention, I ran into someone. I looked up about to say sorry until I saw who it was.

Green eyes stared at me, and Edward was holding his hands out trying to keep himself up. He looked amazing, it was weird that even now I could take him in completely and gawk at him because he was a greek god right in front of me. And he was still here. But he was leaving?

I realized that I hadn't said anything and had just been staring at him.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't looking where I was going." I said trying to not stare.

He chuckled, but it didn't sound like a happy sound. "It's fine. Bella right?" I looked up at him surprised that he knew my name. I figured he had forgotten. I mean he was high last time I saw him.

"Yeah. Sorry. Edward." I was really trying not to stare at him when I realized that I had to leave. I couldn't let Jacob see me interacting with another man, that would be another cause for an outburst from him. I couldn't do that. I could stay here.

"Are you okay? You look like someone is aiming a gun at you?" I looked back at his green eyes, and I could see that he really was concerned. And I really needed to get out of there. I don't deserve his pity. I don't deserve it.

I could feel my eyes tearing up. When I tried to move away from Edward he grabbed my arm, but unlike Jacob, it was meant to be comforting, but I still couldn't hold in my flinch, I hated touching. I hoped he wouldn't notice.

"Bella, do you need to get out of here?" he asked looking at me like he was seeing something else. That's when I felt the tears moving down my cheek. He had guessed immediately, he probably thought it was just a bad date, I would let him believe that.

"Here, let's go." He said putting an arm around my waist like he was scared I was going to fall. I was glad to have some protection against Jacob, hopefully, Edward would be like a wall between the two of us, and we could sneak out unnoticed. I knew it was bad to leave with someone you didn't even know, but I couldn't help but feel safe with him. I could trust him. I knew this.

As soon as we walked out the door, I felt myself sigh in relief. I had to hurry home I couldn't stay here with Jacob that close. But as soon as I tried to walk away, head down the sidewalk leading to my house, Edward stopped me.

"I'm not letting you walk alone," he said, and I felt myself burst into tears. Jacob had never made me feel this safe, but I needed my best friends, I didn't need Edward to pity me. He should have been allowed to leave.

"Come on, you lead the way I'll walk you." Edward said putting an arm around me, letting me cry, letting me get it all out. He was probably freaked out, but I couldnt explain anything to him.

And I was suprised at myself when I leaned into his embrace.

* * *

 **I'm sorry Bella seems like an emotional mess. It was a weird meeting but I thought Edward was sweet. Please review, good or bad thoughts. Enjoy the rest of your Saturday. See you soon.**


	8. Chapter 8

**? Point Of View:**

I watched as she squirmed under my arms. She was uncomfortable, I loved that fear that was eminent in her eyes. She didn't know, but that is what fed my pleasure the most. I loved that I could do that to her. Still.

I loved pinching her cold skin between my fingers. It was great to know that she would have a mark on her later. That I had marked her as mine. And she couldn't do anything to get rid of it. It was fun to see her eyes scrunch up in pain and shock.

I knew that she hated being here, but I needed to see her. I needed to make sure that she still belonged to me. Though of course the minute she answered my request I knew she was, if she had a boyfriend she wouldn't have still been afraid of me. She would have him fight for her. I would still win though.

I saw the way she looked different. I could tell that leaving me had affected her. I knew that in some way she would miss me. Who wouldn't? We were the perfect pair, she respected me, obeyed me. And I had her wrapped around my finger, she couldn't leave me, not really. Not in the way she wanted.

She would always miss me.

She was mine. She had always been mine.

Though I still didn't know when she had changed so much.

She used to be beautiful, she used to light up like no other girl, she used to be my one. I loved the way she looked, I thought she was amazing. Then she changed, she lost all her shine, she turned dull and useless, she didn't care about anything, she was ugly, she didn't have her brains to rely on. I hated her.

I didn't know why I stayed with her. I had no reason to keep her, I should've thrown her out like the trash she was long ago.

Though I suppose the sex was great. For me.

And other people thought I was amazing for dealing with someone so ugly, so stupid, someone who needed me, why wouldn't they?

Who else would have loved her?

I was a saint in their eyes. I was the perfect guy for her. They didn't need to know how I really felt.

I knew she would never go to anyone. I knew that she would live me out, no matter how much I feared her, I knew from the beginning that she was too much of a caring person to leave me. It was a surprise when she just left, but every couple took breaks.

And by the way, she looked, I could tell that she still needed me all the same. She was still ugly, she was still dull. And I could practically see how hollow her brain was. She still needed me. She always would.

As we walked through the doors I saw her glance as something out the corner of my eye, but I was too occupied with the uncertainty, and anxious tension in her shoulders to care about that. It didn't really matter anyway.

When we were brought to the most closed off booth that laid in a corner which you could barely see from anywhere else, I made her sit down first, usually I would've sat on the other side, but I couldn't wait any longer to see her squirm, I needed to see her scared of me. That was the only pleasure I could get in such a crowded place.

I made sure that she was scared. I made sure that she knew I was dangerous, and I could make her more scared then she'd ever been.

I watched as her hands started to shake.

As she clenched her jaw.

I saw her eyes retract, and get even more nervous.

I knew she was scared. I knew that she knew what was coming. She knew how much power I had over her. She knew she could never leave me.

And I was happy about it. I was happy that she was afraid, she wouldn't run, she knew that I was right, she knew she was ugly, she knew that she was lucky to have me.

I asked her about her running. I asked her why she thought she could ever leave. Why she would do that to me?

I told her what I would do to her. What she knew I could do. What I had done before. I had hit her, I had left her in the hospital, I was hoping that she would have died. That I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. Though a part of me was glad she was still there to pleasure me.

I told her what I was waiting for. I hinted at what would be happening later in the evening.

My pleasure.

Her pain.

Her pain.

Her sweet pain.

Sweet sweet pain.

Perfect.

It was amazing as she paled. Because she knew what would happen. She knew I was going to hurt her. I pinched the skin inside her thigh, feeling her tense.

And then she ran. I didn't know she could do something like that.

She dove across me, hitting my legs, and quickly getting up so she could run some more.

It was funny that she was finally running.

I felt myself laugh. It was a weird feeling after not having done it for at least 4 months. It was nice that only Bella could do something so stupid to make me laugh.

I loved it.

The waitress came back and asked me if everything was alright. With my award-winning smile, I assured her that everything was fine.

It was nice to watch her fluster, and smile back.

If only she knew. What would she do then? Would she smile?

I couldn't wait to get Bella under me. Even though she was ugly she didn't lack in the body department. And mixing my pleasure with her pain was the best part.

It was a dream for me.

With all the other girls too.

It was all the same. All pleasuring.

And while I didn't notice it, the time had flown by as I envisioned each and every one of the girls that had helped me with my pleasure, and Bella was still not back. Though I knew it was going to take a while for her to feel good enough to come back out. And I didn't need the world seeing her like that. She was ugly enough.

So I waited.

And waited.

Waited.

Waited.

Waited.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

And I waited.

She didn't come back.

And then I noticed my mistake.

While I wanted the most closed off table, it also meant that I couldn't see the door, and Bella had a clear path out.

But it hadn't been long enough for her to sneak out. Not without someone noticing and asking her what's wrong.

I still had a chance.

I could catch her.

She wouldn't leave.

She was mine.

I walked around the corner to the door. But I stayed hidden so if she was coming she wouldn't see me.

But what I saw made me stop.

Bella was walking out with a man.

A man that was touching her where only I was allowed too.

She was allowing it.

She was mine. She was mine. She was mine. She was mine. She was mine. She was mine. She was mine.

She couldn't leave me. She knew it.

And he was going to pay for making her see otherwise. He was giong to talk to me.

And it wouldnt be pretty.

And Bella would regret it...

* * *

 _ **Okay, so there's a chance that we all know who ? is. But its fine. And I know it short, but I posted 2 chapters last week so it doesnt count.**_

 _ **Thanks for reading. Advice?**_

 _ **Hope you enjoyed.**_


	9. Chapter 9

**This chapter is a repeat of the last chapter, and I hate that, but I thought you might have wondered what Edward was doing the entire time.**

* * *

 **EPOV:**

 _She was an angel._

 _And Clinic Girl was looking back at me. And so was the guy next to her._

All I could see was red. I was completely overcome by the need to throw the guy next to her away, and take her home with me. My jealousy was clouding my eyes making everything blurry. And I couldn't stop staring at her. She was too perfect. And there was something wrong.

I could see it in her eyes, which were a beautiful deep brown you could get lost in for hours, but I could see the pain like it was reflecting off of her. She wasn't happy, and I could see her entire body was tense.

I could also see the big guy next to her, with his hands all over her. He had short black hair, a horrifying smirk, and muscles that went on for miles. He intimidated just about everyone in this room.

I couldn't see past the fact that he was here with her though.

I knew they couldn't have been relatives, they didn't look alike in the slightest.

I was sure that this was not a friendly relationship by the way he was touching her hips, and the hand that looked like it was making its way toward her thigh.

I didn't factor in that she might have a boyfriend when I decided I was going to look for her. I forgot that with her beauty she might have millions of guys showing up at her doorstep at any time.

I didn't want to believe that she might have been mine.

As I was pushing my thoughts through the tunnel of despair I hadn't noticed that Emmett and Jasper were still standing in front of me with weird looks on their faces.

I hadn't realized that I'd been standing there staring at her disappearing figure the entire time. And my friends were wondering what was holding me up. I could see Emmett looking behind me for something that wasn't there.

I knew I needed to go home with my friends, I was the one that drove us here. I knew that they were waiting for me to walk out.

I couldn't leave her here looking like that though. I'd been waiting for her all week, and I wasn't just going to let her go after seeing her discomfort. Boyfriend or not.

"Guys, there's something wrong with my head. I think I'll just walk back to my place." I said to both of them, tossing Emmett my cars keys.

I could tell that they were very confused by my statement, and I had only let them drive the Volvo once each, threating their manhood if they ever touched her again. So I could see that they thought there was something seriously wrong with me. Though I couldn't focus on anything but Clinic Girl.

I gave them a small smile, and then made an excuse that I was going to use the restroom, and they should just head back to my place. I could see they were both wary about leaving me alone to walk home, though I knew they wouldn't protest, especially Jasper he always knew that when I needed to be alone, I needed to be alone.

I wanted to tell them the truth, but I could hardly believe it myself. I didn't want them plotting out something that would only destroy my hopes of ever being with Clinic Girl. And I didn't want Jasper to feel even worse about his girl.

So I headed to the bathroom, trying to spot them out. I couldn't see all the tables but, in the corner, I could see the burly figure of the guy she was with. I could also see they were both sitting in the same seat, Clinic Girl leaning away from his embrace, him not getting the point and putting his mouth at her ear.

And although all I could feel was rage and jealousy that someone else was touching her when I couldn't, it gave me some hope that she seemed as uncomfortable as I felt watching this.

I also knew that she was ready to escape.

I sat there watching them for a while, avoiding the weird looks I was getting from all the customers, and trying to ignore the suggestive looks the female waiters were giving me.

Clinic Girl continued to lean away from him. And I could feel my anger raging beneath my blood, ready to burst out and punch him at any moment. It was a good choice to stay as far away from them as possible.

And suddenly I watched Clinic Girl dive from her seat, getting away from him quicker then I thought possible. And even though I couldn't see her face very well, I could tell she was just as surprised as me.

She practically ran to the place where the bathrooms were, holding her mouth like she was about to puke. I heard the big guy laughing at her as she ran away, and I felt furious, why wouldn't he help her if she was feeling sick? What was wrong with him?

She needed someone.

I couldn't feel my body moving as I got even closer to the bathroom. I needed to be there for her. She didn't deserve to be alone.

I could hear her gagging in the ladies room, and it took all my control not to run in there and hold her hair back for her.

I couldn't believe the guy she was with wasn't in my position helping her.

How could you leave someone that beautiful alone to puke her guts out?

I wasn't going to let her be alone.

No matter if she had a boyfriend.

I waited for her outside the door. Wincing every time I heard another gag. She wasn't going to have anything left in her soon.

It would have to stop soon.

Right?

As I listened, the sounds haunted. All I could hear was the quiet sniffling coming from the other side of the door, I felt my heart sink at the fact that she was probably crying alone.

All I wanted to do was comfort her, be there even as a friend, because no one should be alone while they're crying. It's unfair. And lonely.

Suddenly a tiny body was slamming into me, making my figure shake.

I hadn't noticed that Clinic Girl had opened the door and come out. She was looking down at her purse, her eyebrows pulled together.

And suddenly her name hit me like a slap in the face. It was Bella because she was beautiful. She probably would always be. Even if she was crying.

Her eyes were rimmed with red, and glassy, fragile just like she looked. Even though I remembered she had been pale when I first saw her, this was a new degree of white, it scared me, to be honest.

She was shaking, her eyes filled with panic, her lips was between her teeth, and I almost put my thumb to it to pull her lip out. Though I wasn't going to be that daring right not. Especially when she looked terrified.

Bella's lips were moving like she was trying to talk to me, but couldn't. And her eyes were searching my face now, looking for something. I could help but wonder if she had remembered me from the clinic too.

Suddenly she realized we were both just standing there, and stumbled to say something.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't looking where I was going," she mumbled, her lips going back between her teeth. It was cute.

I laughed, but it wasn't the kind of laugh I wanted to give her. I was worried she looked terrified still like she was waiting for someone to come out and hurt her. Or maybe she thought I was going to hurt her?

She avoided eye contact with me, which sucked because I wanted to stare into her deep brown eyes because I knew they couldn't hold the truth in like the rest of her face could.

"It's fine. Bella right?" I asked her, hoping she wouldn't think it was weird I still knew her name. She'd been the one staring my dreams after all.

I also loved the way it sounded coming out.

She looked surprised, probably because I even remembered her name in the first place. Like I would forget?

"Yeah. Sorry. Edward." she finally looked me right in the eye, and I never wanted her to look away. She was much too beautiful for me to imagine being with her, especially because it seemed she had a boyfriend, but I could help myself. I wanted her more than anything else. She would be scared just hearing how much I wanted her, none the less feel it.

She looked around, trying to find something or someone that wasn't there. But she was still panicked and I saw how her shoulders got even tenser, the longer we were talking. She looked like she was going to be drastically late for something. I wanted to ask her what was wrong, but she didn't seem like the kind of person that would flat out tell me, so I went for a different approach.

"Are you okay? You look like someone is aiming a gun at you?" I said looking around for that person, thinking that I would kill anyone who touched her in a harmful way. No one would touch a hair on her pretty head.

I noticed how her eyes filled up with tears, and how her entire body was now shaking.

I felt my heart cracking at her fear. I wouldn't hurt her and neither would anyone else.

She tried to move away from me, and without realizing it I reached out and grabbed her arm, trying not to wince at the way she flinched at my touch. I didn't want her to go.

I could tell that she didn't want me to know that something was wrong. She seemed like the kind of girl who wouldn't want to show any weakness, ever. It was a good and a bad trait. I just wanted to hold her now. It was so hard not to.

"Bella do you need to get out of here?" I asked gazing at her broken face, she was so scared, I could tell she was exhausted, and I knew I couldn't let her go back to that man that didn't have the decency to help her in the bathroom.

Her tears now fell down her face, I wanted to brush them away and see her smile.

"Here let's go."

I put an arm around her waist, loving the way her body felt against mine, warm more relaxed than before, and it fit like she was meant to be mine.

No Edward. She has a boyfriend.

I watched her face relax as we stepped out of the door, and the cool hair hit us. I knew she didn't want to be seen by here date. I wouldn't either, I was glad I could provide her in any way.

When we were near the sidewalk she tried to step out of my embrace, and I felt cold and empty. I also knew I couldn't let her go yet. Not without making sure I would see her some way or another. I needed to see her again so much it hurt.

As soon as I told her I wasn't going to let her walk home alone, her tears which had stopped, started flowing like a waterfall, and I felt my chest ache with the pain I felt just seeing her cry. Though I wasn't sure what I had done wrong. I just wanted her to stop crying.

"Come on, you lead the way I'll walk you," I said putting my arms around her once again, loving that she didn't seem to flinch at my touch, and instead seemed to lean into it.

As I walked her home, I could tell that she was still crying, and although I wished she would stop, I wasn't going to make her, and I hoped that maybe she could get it all out, and feel better as soon as she walked through her front door.

It wasn't that far of a walk, though I was concerned with the apartments in which she lived in, they seemed unsafe, and I'd heard bad things about this neighborhood. I didn't want her getting hurt near her house. I knew I couldn't do anything to make her move though.

When she quietly told me that we were nearing her house, I asked if I could put my number in her phone. It was a big step, but she would probably think I just wanted her to have a sholder to cry on again if she needed it. I didnt want her to think i was going to force her into anything. But I wasnt going to leave her.

If I'm being honest though, I wanted her to call me later in the week and tell me about her day, I wanted to hear her whispering my name as she dozed off in her bead, I wanted to be the best friend that she fell in love with.

I wasnt going to get my hopes up though.

She looked suprised at my request, but then nodded and handed me her phone, I quickly entered my number, sending myself a text so I knew it would be her.

And I let her walk inside.

I didnt want her to be alone and sad, but I wasnt going to invite myself in.

I could only hope that she would use my number.


	10. Chapter 10

**Hello! I'm glad everyone's enjoying, and I do agree that not even I was expecting the dark twist. :)**

 **I have to add a warning to this chapter because it's going to get very graphic. I understand if you don't want to read that... but you can't say I didn't warn you.**

 **Of course, I don't own the characters, just a crappy computer and this plot.**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 **BPOV:**

I fell asleep right after I got home. Or I tried to. It was so sweet of Edward to take the time to walk me to my apartment, and if I wasn't so mentally exhausted I would have invited him in for some coffee, or something so he knew how much I appreciated it.

But I was mentally exhausted.

Alice and Rose weren't home when I arrived, which was probably not a good thing for me, especially because I've been known to act out after big events. And I guess you could count my "date" as a big event.

I could barely continue walking when I got to my bedroom. I was so tired. And I desperately wanted to go to sleep. But I couldn't get the knots out of my stomach. And the memories of Jacob kept popping up like the ads on my computer.

I couldn't stand it. I felt nauseous, I wanted to puke everything out, the bad memories, all the panic attacks, the smiles I put on just for show. I needed it all to go away. Though I couldn't just erase 3 years of my life.

I sighed, going to my dresser to change, I just wanted to be in my sweats. Anything to get rid of the smell of _him._

Just as I was about to crawl into bed, and hide until I couldn't anymore, I heard the front door open, and I was immediately jumping back against the wall. I knew it was probably Alice and Rose, but I couldn't help but think it might be Jacob. He used to break into my house in Forks, why wouldn't he do it now?

I stayed against the wall until I heard their voices. Alices high pitched, and squealing, Roses calm and collected.

My entire body sagged in relief. I knew it was irrational to be so scared of him, but I had been, for years. My reflexes were trained to be scared of him, and I couldn't undo it.

"Bella!" I heard Alice call. And even though I wanted to sleep so much, I knew I couldn't just ignore her. She wouldn't let me.

So I dragged my body into the living room, feeling the mental weights go up a size with every step. It was so hard to move.

"You're back?" Rose asked, looking up from the magazine she was holding. I could see the concern in her eyes, almost as if she'd watched my entire night play out, and was just waiting for me to go crying to her.

I wouldn't cry in front of them though. I didn't need their pity, no matter how much they loved me.

"Yeah. I'm not feeling very well..." I said avoiding eye contact because even though I had gotten so many years of practice, I was still horrible at lying to both of them.

"Oh." I could hear the doubt in her voice, but if she was choosing to ignore my lie, I would ignore it.

"That sucks B! We'll let you get some sleep, but you have to listen to this!" Alice said in her most quiet voice which still ended up being a yell.

I listened to their night. Apparently, some guy had hit on Rose like 5 times even though she kept turning him down. She explained all the cheap pick up lines he had used, and even though I felt horrible I still rolled my eyes at some of them. She told me about the guy she saw walking on the street and how he was the hottest man she had ever seen. I honestly couldn't tell if she was exaggerating.

Rose explained that they went to dinner, because we still hadn't done our shopping for the week, and how they went to the bar afterward when all this happened. I was glad that both of them had a good night, but I could feel my mind getting fuzzy the more they spoke.

Both of them seemed to notice this, and Alice gave me one warning of the shopping trip we had coming up before they sent me to bed.

They treated me like their daughter, and although sometimes it annoyed me, I was grateful for it tonight.

I said goodnight to both of them and collapsed on my bed. Normally after a long day, my bed felt like a fluffy cloud of joy I could wait to immerse myself in. Though today it felt old, slimy, something I didn't ever want to touch.

I was so tired though. I wanted to sleep more then I wanted to breathe. I needed to sleep more then I needed to breathe. Yet this bed was disgusting, just like me. I couldn't believe I put up with something like this, something like me.

I could feel my body attacking itself. I could feel the memories, and the words hit me like a train. I was so dizzy it was almost unbearable. I was stuck in my own skin, and it was disgusting. I wanted to be ripped away from myself, leaving my body to fend for itself, I wanted to let it die because I hated it. I hated it so much.

I didn't know how to not hate it.

I could feel the memories coming up my throat, ready to gag me. And I didn't have enough energy to fight them off. I was just going to let them win, just for tonight.

I ran to the bathroom puking up everything inside me. Only remembering every time I proved how worthless I was.

 _You're so ugly, Bella._

 _You're so worthless. What have you ever done? Have you ever done anything for yourself?_

 _I can't believe anyone can look at you without gagging._

 _Are you paying your so-called "friends" to hang out with you? Because that would make more sense?_

 _How could I ever want someone like you?_

 _You're only good for a fuck, and not even a good fuck._

 _I should just kill you now._

 _You are the worst person I have ever met._

 _You're too dumb to understand anything anyone says._

 _Everyone hates you. Though that's not a big surprise._

 _I'm surprised your dad hasn't thrown you out yet._

 _Such a slut Bella._

 _Are you ever going to learn? Or are you too dumb?_

 _That's disgusting Bella._

 _Ugly, dull, boring, ugly Isabella._

 _You should be thankful I'm here. You wouldn't have anyone else._

 _No wonder your Mom left you._

 _I hate you, but I'm going to keep you._

 _You're ugly._

 _Worthless._

 _Horrible._

 _Repulsive._

And finally, there was nothing left. The memories had faded. I only had bad ones, but I had zoned out so many times, I could only hear the voice whispering in my head. I didn't know how many other insults had been thrown at me.

I didn't care. Mostly because they were all true. Because no one could apologize for the truth. No one.

I hated myself so much. I wanted myself to feel the same pain I had felt at those words. I wanted to burn myself, just so my body could understand how worthless it was. How invisible it should have been.

And I wanted to forget, I wanted the buzz to go away. I wanted everything to go away.

I didn't even feel my body move to the sink. I didn't feel my hands grab the blade hidden between my curling iron and cleaner. I didn't even notice my fingers tracing the razor. I didn't feel any of it. I was too numb.

Maybe the pain would break me out of the numb. Maybe it would be like a hammer breaking down a wall? I could only hope.

I grabbed the 4-inch blade between my thumb and pointer finger loving how cold it was between my fingers. I could see some blood still on it, but mostly it was rusted because I had used it in the shower a couple weeks ago.

I put the blade against my forearm and pressed down sliding it across my skin. I couldn't feel the stinging yet, so I pressed even deeper, hoping the blood would flow more than usual.

I still couldn't feel anything, so I pressed deeper. And deeper. And deeper. Deeper. And it still wasn't enough for me. My arm was burning now, but it wasn't enough, I needed to feel more pain. More. I wanted to make myself scream. Agony was my only goal.

Suddenly I lifted the razor up from my arm, wanting to see the blood. Wanted to clean it off than watch it reappears.

My wish was granted.

I remembered then that Alice and Rose would notice if I was wearing long sleeve shirts for weeks, and even though it was only one cut so far, if I made more they would call my dad.

So I stood up and slowly took off my sweat pants, looking at the pink scars still on my thighs. They used to bother me, used to make me gag, not anymore. I kind of liked the way they marked my skin now.

I picked up the razor from the floor, and leaned back against the counter.

I dug the blade into my skin, wanting to go deeper than I ever had before. I wanted so much more pain.

One cut.

Two.

Three.

Four then five.

I finally switched the razor to my other leg, repeating the process until I couldn't feel anything but the burning until the ringing in my ears was gone.

And then I felt horrible. I was so tired of the cutting, of the bruises on my stomach, because most nights I was hit myself so hard. Harder then Jacob ever could. Hard enough to be completely blue.

I loved it.

But I always regretted it. Sometimes right after I was done, sometimes hours later. I always regretted it though. Always.

I couldn't help but feel sick because this was horrible, I knew how dangerous this was, I knew that someday I could cut so deep I would bleed out. I knew what hitting myself could do to my body. I didn't care when I was doing though.

I wanted the pain. I needed it. And I couldn't explain that. It was an addiction, and I wasn't going to a meeting to solve it. I didn't want help from anyone else. Because I knew I wouldn't stop. How could I? This was the one thing that made me happy, no matter how disgusting it truly was.

I didn't want anyone to stop me.

I wouldn't let anyone stop me.

* * *

Instead of going to sleep that night, I cleaned my room. I threw my clothes everywhere, trying to organize. I hated a messy room, and tonight I physically couldn't deal with it. So I cleaned until three, listening only to my thoughts.

And then I found something so beautiful. Something that I wished was real. Something that I could only hope wasn't a dream.

I sat on my bed going through my pocket like there was gold hidden beneath them. Because it was 4 in the morning and I couldn't stop looking. Because this was gold.

Though I knew that wasn't the case. I knew what was really there. And it scared me how much I wanted to look at it again. And again. And again. _Again._

I supposed you could call me crazy. I guess it was now an obsession to carry it around as if I would die without it.

I knew that it wasn't good to want something so much.

To need it so much.

So much it hurt. Physically and mentally.

I was so tired of standing on eggshells. I needed to get over this irrational fear. The one that kept me locked up. Hidden away.

I was just tired in general. So tired.

But instead of going to sleep, to get rid of all the dark circles under my eyes, instead of falling into a dreamless sleep, one which would rid me of all my exhaustion, instead of that...

I dig through my pockets, looking for the gold that isnt there physically, but still in my mind this is better than gold.

This is something that I don't have to sell.

So simple. So obsessive. So confusing.

Just a text message. One that I supposedly sent myself. One that I couldn't delete, no matter what my head told me.

And all I had written was,

 **Hi beautiful Bella. I'm here.**

Except it wasn't from me. I would never send myself something so pleasuring.

It was from Edward. And I couldn't stop looking at it...

BBecauseit ccouldn'tbe real. It couldnt. It was so impossible. It was like a human survivng only on its own blood.

Impossible. Crazy. Insane.

But I loved it so much it hurt.

I didnt know why Edward had sent me a text, or himself a text, that he obviously knew would make me happy. A god had justed called me beautiful. He had to know that it meant a lot me.

No matter how untrue it was.

I looked it so much the screen was blurry.

I knew there was something with edward, you dont just forget someone you cant stop think about. You dont forget someone as attractive as him. _That_ was impossible.

I kept thinking about him. Hist bright green eyes. His beautiful voice. Just the fact that he walked me home, no matter how crazy I was acting.

And I was so mad at myself. Because omsthing with him would never happen. I knew that. I knew that.

That didnt mean I could stop thinking about it. Beccause I couldnt.

It ran circles around my head, the though of him with me. The image of us cooking food together, waking up cuddling. Smiling and laughing together.

I wanted it so much it hurt.

But how could you love someone who cut themself to the bone? How could you love someone with all thses bruises.

The thing was, you couldnt.

* * *

 **Not the longest, but there will be an EPOV later this week, sooo.**

 **:)**


	11. Chapter 11

**I haven't posted anything in 2 months, and for that I'm sorry. My excuse is that I've been hella busy, my school work seems to be piling up, and family issues...mental health issues. I'm okay, I just needed a while. I'll try to post more, but I can't promise the chapters will be as long as I'd like to make them.**

* * *

 **EPOV:**

If I'm being completely honest I sort of regret the text I sent her. Not because I now have her number, or because it was a bold sentence that might freak her out. I regret it because even though I meant it I'm not sure if its what she needed. She had just had a terrible date... I'm sure she doesn't want another guy putting himself out there, and stating shes beautiful.

Though, I guess I can't take it back now. My feelings are on a silver platter ready to be delivered to Bella. I can only hope she doesn't ignore them.

I'm also worried about her. Its been around 3 days since I saved her from her date, and she hasn't said anything, I haven't seen her around campus. I just have a feeling that there's something bigger going on with her, just by how afraid she was as we left the restaurant, and how that guy she was with was looking at her. I can't help but wonder if she's okay if her friends cheered her up. If she feels okay now?

I just can't seem to get her out of my head. I thought it was bad before, not knowing anything about her, but it's definitely worse now. It's like I've fed my obsession after you've had a taste you can't get enough right? She must be my personal brand of heroin.

It hasn't helped that all Emmett and Jasper talk to me about is that night. They wonder where I went, why I didn't come home for so long, how I could just let them drive my car like it was no big deal?

To be honest I'm still wondering about that one. I've never let anyone touch my car.

I don't do lots with my free time, classes seem to fly by when I can't pay attention to them. My studying is put on hold because I can't read a textbook to save my life when there's a beautiful brunette to think about.

I used to think that getting a bachelors degree would be amazing, I would get through 4 years in no time. And honestly it was like that for about a year, and then everything just seemed to drag on and on. And I've still got a year to go. I'll have grey hair by the time I graduate. Perfect.

I also seem to have an extensive case of insomnia. I cannot get myself to sleep. The other night I spent an hour and a half completely still with closed eyes, and nothing, I wasn't even yawning by the time I decided to give up. And none of the tricks Google has provided work for me. Warm milk sounds disgusting so I refuse to even try it, and breathing deeply seems like a tv in my ear, it just keeps me awake.

And the big surprise is I don't feel tired during the day either, I honestly can remember the last time I yawned. I'm becoming a vampire. Wouldnt it be easier that way?

It's weird how nothing seems fun anymore, the amazing feeling I had after talking to Bella disappeared. I have no idea what's wrong with me, I have no idea how to stop feeling like none of this is worth anything.

And I cannot, will not stop thinking about Bella. About beautiful little brown-eyed Bella.

I know I could love her, I know that I could give her the moon on a golden platter. I want her to have the best, but I don't think I'm ever going to be enough. I don't think I can be what she needs. I don't know if I'm good enough for anyone really. And I've always had that longing for something other than myself, that longing for a girl that would complete my world as no one else could. I've always wanted to be perfect for my perfect girl. But I can't find that girl, each time I feel like I'm getting close I seem to mess it up. Like I messed up with Bella by sending her that text. I knew I shouldn't have done that. I knew it, and I did it anyway. I'll always mess it up.

I want to love Bella. I want to be her sun, her love, I want to be everything to her. But I cant even get through 4 years of school without feeling like crap. How would I ever have a relationship with her?

So I guess my Bella fantasies should go away because it'll only hurt me more in the long run.

* * *

Emmett came over around nine this morning. He told me to get my ass outside, to go over to his house and play some video games or something. He told me to stop being a dickhead and do something productive.

Am I going to listen to him? Probably not.

I like not doing anything with my day, I missed yesterdays classes because I sat reading my book instead of going to a stupid lecture that probably wouldn't have made a difference anyway. I'm pretty sure I'm going to quit school.

Around noon Jasper came over and told me I look and smell like crap. He told me that he knows its been hard for me, that he understands not wanting to do anything at all, but that I should take a shower, go get some coffee and go hang out with him and Emmett. He told me that they're worried, that Emmett was threatening to "drag my ass" out of the house and call mom.

And I probably would have listened to Jasper, because he's a lot smarter than Emmett, but I'm feeling resentful, and he said he understood me. Which was a little dramatic because Jasper doesn't know how it feels to mess everything up because Jasper is a smart smart man and he would never ruin his chances with a beautiful girl with a text.

I want a drink, but I don't feel like going outside, all the people would just annoy me.

I want to text Bella again but I am a huge coward that doesn't understand anything about woman clearly. So I'm not going to say anything to her because she probably thinks I _am_ a huge dickhead who needs to get over himself, and that I need to leave her alone. And honestly, if she said that to my face I would just nod along to her sugar sweet words.

And even though I don't want to move I've finally convinced myself that I need a shower, I stink, and I'm tired of drowning in my own sweat. Also, I really don't want Emmett to call Mom. That would be taking it too far. And I'm not that much of a dumbass.

So I get up and turn on the shower, looking at myself in the mirror, looking at my annoying hair, and the scruff of facial hair that I've let grow out these past few days. I really do look like hell. Extremely like hell, I'm practically the devil himself now.

I step into the cold spray, feeling the dirt and crumbs of all the junk I've eaten wash off. I need to go to the gym, I refuse to grow a gut. I scrub almost every inch of my body, trying to wash not just the dirt but also me off.

I wash my hair, feeling disgusted at the grease. I really need to take better care of myself.

And I will admit that I already feel better. Being clean truly does help everything, I also feel less hopeless, like the water added an extra glow to me.

And just when I'm stepping out theres a knock at the door. Its probably both Emmett and Jasper this time, telling me to get up. So I warp a towel around my waist, sighing and walk over to the door.

Preparing myself to yell at them, and then listen to their concerns, I open the door.

And instead of the big muscly smelly dude, instead of the full head of blonde hair, instead of the "Eddie!" that I'm prepared for, I hear...

"Edward? You're Edward?" the woman in front of me pauses looks me up and down, proabably taking in my semi hairy chest and wet hair, and then she says "girl has good taste."


End file.
